Should I stay with the father of my twins?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Should I continue my relationship with the father of my twins??? Even though we both have cheated? But can we move on? Well I was with this guy since 2001 and from the beginning he lied to me about his age and what he does in life. But i forgave him. Eventually we broke up in 2005( i was pregnant with his child but I was busy with my Education so the baby was aborted). I broke up with him because he dated other women and he did not have a job.

I also felt really bad about the abortion and the way he acted when i told him that i was expecting was not all too positive ( he told me its my body so my decision)

Anyways we got back together in 2007. He still did not have a real job but money is not important.. because i loved him. He did continue seeing other women.. because i read his text messages and he did not sleep at my home all the time.. and he told me i couldn’t come to his house.
I made numerous attempts at breaking up with him and one time we did break up for a couple of days but then he called me and asked to speak to me in person. And of course i took him back.

I guess your wondering what I see in this guy… well first of all the sex is the best i have ever had and I only have orgasms with him. He is the only guy I have ever felt comfortable around and he makes me feel loved.

well in 2008 we started talking about having a baby and because I felt really bad about aborting my first baby.. i felt like i had to get pregnant and i thought that because he wants to move on with me then he would stop dating other women. By the way I was seeing or should i say sleeping with another guy on the side ( I think that I wanted to sleep around because he was doing the same thing and that was the only way i could have felt a bit better like ME HAVING THAT LITTLE SECRET AND at some times because I was sleeping around I did not feel so bad.)

well we kept trying for almost a year and nothing happened.And then in December of 2009 I told my boyfriend that I will go back on the pill because nothing is happening he told me to wait a while longer. So the next month ( January of 2009 I found out i was pregnant. We were so happy.. he started sleeping at my place every night and we were making plans.
But i asked him if he would marry me ( by the way all when we were trying to get pregnant we were talking about getting married ) now that i was expecting and he said we would have to live together first. Well when i was 3 months pregnant the guy who i was sleeping around with called me and asked to see me. I told him yes and we were ” getting it on” and my boyfriend caught me in the act. He was so upset I thought he was going to break one of my body parts. He only slapped me a few times.

Well after that happened he stopped sleeping with me and told me to get an aids test and he kept threatening me, telling me that if I harm his child I will pay. I know I had made a big mistake and thats one of the main ways how people contract STDS etc. I didn’t want to be desperate and begging my man not to cheat. I thought that if I cheat too and use protection then it did not matter. The week after he caught me I found out i was pregnant with twins! I was a wreck I did not know what i would do. I told my boyfriend and he said that we have to stay together.. so he supported me still during the pregnancy ( went to appointments and helped with the new apartment) Because he doesn’t work he did not buy the necessary things for a baby.. such as a buggy and car seat etc. he told me after i got caught that from now on I will have to keep my mouth shut because I was cheating also. I am a very jealous girlfriend. During the nine months he had a lot of outbursts because he couldn’t believe that the mother of his kids is whore. And he told me once that he didn’t even know that he was the father. I of course to be honest wasn’t really sure that he was the father. ( I mean condoms break)

In October of 2009 we became the parents of 2 BABY GIRLS. He was happy and he knew that they belonged to him.
The first week when I came home from the hospital my best friend told me that my boyfriend has a next women and he was w ith her for 5 years ( I mean she wasn’t a friend with benefits, but she too was his woman)I spoke to his womaN on the phone and I told her that I did not know had I known I would have never gotten pregnant I aLso told her I was sorry. She was a complete wreck. I told her she can have him I don’t need him. She then said but what about the babies( family means a lot to him she knew and I know that he would always be around for his child. But the things thaT SHE TOLD ME was so hurtful. She also said that he was trying to get her pregnant and she did get pregnant a few times and she aborted the babies and she was also secretly using the pill. She said that when she found out about me he lied and told her I was a one night stand.

I don’t want my babies to grow up with out having a mom and a dad. And I am so afraid of having another man around my girls. I keep telling myself that I will just stay single and raise my babies alone because they are the important ones.

Right now I am in the Caribbean home with my family ( I am doing my internship at a school and my babies are taking in the sun) and the babies dad is in the Netherlands. Before I left we slept together a few times. I can still see that he is angry with me and he has also slapped me a few times when I came out of the hospital.
I want to make a decision as to what I will do. Will I stay or will I move on.
He has also made it evident that he intends to marry me still next year. But I don’t know if I want to marry him still.

please if you can give me some advice as to what i could possibly do., Should I think of my babies and give them a home with a mom and dad.

He has said that its time for him to grow u[p and it seems like he wants to do so. he broke up with his other woman.. but i don’t know if I want to stay with him. I don’t want any stress worrying about my man sleeping around with other women and it seems as though he doesn’t even use protection with some of these women. What if he gives me a sickness.. my babies would then be cheated out of having a mom.

I told him what i did was nasty and wrong but i promised him that i will never sleep with anyone else. I do intend to keep that
promise.. life is too short I know that now. I do still love him but just not like before.

A: I can tell you are trying really hard to make the right decisions for yourself and your babies. Having invested almost 10 years in this realtionship, it is probably very hard to think about cutting loose. But there’s a saying that the way a relationship begins is pretty much the way it will be. Although there has been a lot of drama in this relationship over the decade you’ve been together, it keeps coming down to the same things: Your boyfriend is untrustworthy and you’re not really ready to make a good choice of a lifetime partner. You were only 15 when this all started. You have let your thinking get clouded by good sex, regrets about an abortion, and fantasies about how maybe it could be. Your boyfriend hasn’t changed in almost 10 years and it’s unlikely he’ll start now. He’s more likely to do to you what he did to the other woman in his life — make lots of promises and have someone else on the side.

It’s not enough to have a man in your kids’ lives. The kind of man they have as a father is what counts. Do you want your girls growing up believing that women are responsible and raise kids while men sneak around? Do you want them to think it’s normal for a man to call his partner names and slap her around when he is upset? Do you want them to think that the way to deal with a cheater is to become one? Please think about it.

It sounds like you are working on getting an education and that you have a supportive family. That’s terrrific! I suggest you take this time away from your guy to reevaluate the choices you’ve made and to consider what kind of partner you want for yourself and what kind of male role model you want for your kids. It would be a very good idea for you to see a counselor who could give you support but also ask you some hard questions. Your emotional growth got stunted in this relationship. You need to bring your psychological age in line with your actual age and your role as a mom. You’ve made some mistakes but you are young. You have plenty of time to figure out how to find someone who will cherish you and the girls and who will be a faithful and hardworking husband and father. I’m afraid I ultimately can’t tell you what to do. This needs to be your decision and you need to take full responsibility for it. That’s an important step in being the kind of mother you want to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Jun 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Should I stay with the father of my twins?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/06/21/should-i-stay-with-the-father-of-my-twins/