At an early age, I’ve always disliked people my own age. I thought that they were immature compared to me. As I got older, however, I started getting used to my ever-changing body, and so did everyone else. My opinion of them has not changed over the years, but it appears that everyone is “growing up faster” than I am on the sexual side of things.
Of all the stories I hear in locker rooms and restrooms and of the many things I’ve seen, it appears that everyone has a sexual partner except me. I’ve also felt a greater hatred for them because they have a sexual partner, even greater than before. Not only have I become more irritable, but I feel constant emotional pain. I want to cry almost every night but I am unable to.
I don’t think I’m that hard to look at on the eyes. I may be a little obese but I’m starting to exercise and take men’s multivitamins. I feel livelier but not happier. I think the only solution to all of this is to find a partner and get laid immediately. I know this is wrong but it’s something in the back of my head that says “this is the answer.”
I’ve been looking around and trying to socialize, but nothing seems to work. What should I do?
A. You may feel as though you are the only one without a sexual partner but is this accurate? Statistics show otherwise. Recent surveys of teenage sexual activity show that only 46 to 55 percent of males have ever had sex. That means roughly 50 percent of males in your age range have not had intercourse. I point this out to demonstrate that just because one feels something to be true does not mean that it is.
It’s also important to keep in mind that people do not always tell the truth. People may lie about the activities they are engaged in. They may brag about things they haven’t done. They may also embellish a story. They typically do this as a way to enhance their self-esteem. They may also do it to increase their popularity, make others feel jealous or to fit in with their peer group. A recent online survey conducted by Seventeen magazine, featured in USA Today, surveyed 1,200 teen and young adult males between the ages of 15 and 22. Several intriguing statistics were found:
- 60 percent of the males admitted to lying about something related to sex;
- 30 percent lied about how far those sexual activities had gone;
- 24 percent lied about the number of sexual partners they had; and
- 23 percent claimed they were not virgins when they were.
Another interesting statistic was that approximately 78 percent of the teens surveyed said that there was “way too much pressure” from society to have sex. You may be feeling this societal pressure.
These statistics do not support your assumption that everyone is having sex. It’s important to focus on facts. It is imperative to be factually correct in your thinking.
You wanted to know why you hate other people, particularly those who seem like they’re having more sex than you. If you believe that everyone is having sex but you then this may signify in your mind that there is something wrong with you. You might assume that others will also think the same thing. If you don’t hold this opinion of yourself yet feel others do, you could be angry at them for misjudging you. This could explain the anger you feel.
You also believe that everyone is “growing up faster” sexually than you. Again, this assumption may be inaccurate. As I pointed out above males, according to the Seventeen survey, tend to exaggerate how often they have sex or even if they’ve ever had sex. In the survey, 45 percent of the males said they were virgins and those are the ones who “admitted” to being virgins. Because people do not always tell the truth in surveys, that figure may be conservative.
I’m also curious about your dating and social life. You did not provide those details in your letter. Are you able to make friends? Do you have both male and female friends? I wonder if you have trouble dating? Do you have difficulty securing a second date? Having answers to these questions may have shed light on how well you socialize with others. If you have difficulty socializing you might benefit from social skills training.
I want to compliment you on the fact that you are able to see yourself objectively, at least with regard to your physical appearance. You describe yourself as being slightly obese. To combat this problem you began to exercise. I understand that exercise is not making you happy but look on the bright side, it has made you feel livelier. It seems that exercise has improved your overall well-being. This is very positive.
Your solution to this problem is to have sex. It’s important to keep in mind that sex is not something that should be done casually and with just anyone. Sex has consequences. It can include unintended pregnancy and being infected with a sexually transmitted disease. The purpose of a relationship is not just to have sex. Sex is part of relationships but if it’s the sole purpose, that relationship won’t last long.
You describe feeling intense emotional pain. Because of this I would recommend counseling. Counseling may also help you develop better socializing skills, if needed. It can also help you develop relationship and interpersonal skills. A therapist can also help you to better understand the nature of relationships. I believe you could benefit from therapy.
I hope I have adequately answered your questions. If you’d like to search for a therapist in your community, try searching this website. Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Jun 2010
Randle, K. (2010). Why Do I Feel Like Everyone Has a Sexual Partner But Me?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 28, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/06/01/why-do-i-feel-like-everyone-has-a-sexual-partner-but-me/