I was with a guy for 3 years, i cheated on him 3 times, during those years and i wish i hadent, i really dont know why i did, he forgave me the first 2 times but the third time he broke up w/ me i deff understand why, we still talk and i want him back more then i have ever watned anything, he says he wants to get back togeather with me but when he can trust me. the only problem is i dont trust him, the other night he asked me why i dont trust him, and i honestly dont know why? i mean i have been told by some people that dont like him, that he was with someone else, but he swares to me that he hasent been with anyone else, he tells me he loves me and that he doeant want anyone else, i really have no reason not to beleave him, i want to make it work w/ him and i want to trsut him, i want to be with him. i really dont know if i made any sense but i hope this does! HELPP!
A. I do not have many details about your relationship. Because of this, I can only provide a speculative answer. There are two issues. One is that you cheated on your ex-boyfriend on three occasions and you are not sure why. The second is that you do not trust your ex and the reason for the distrust is unclear.
You may not be sure that you want your ex. Perhaps you like him but he is not your “first choice.” As soon as a “better choice” comes along, you go in that direction. Perhaps there are other reasons but I can’t determine that from your letter. A thorough discussion of your circumstances with a therapist would provide deeper insight into the reasons that led you to cheat.
The second issue is that you do not trust your ex. This might be because you heard that he was with another girl. Another possibility is that you may have difficulty trusting people in general. If I interviewed you in person, I would want to explore whether your trust issues extend to other relationships. If you harbor a basic distrust of people this might explain why you have difficulty trusting your ex. Trust is something that is earned. Has he given you a valid reason to doubt his trustworthiness? If not, then your accusations are likely unwarranted.
There are also situations where an individual is cheating, yet they accuse their partner of cheating. This is called projection. Projection is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism. It involves taking unacceptable qualities or feelings about ourselves and ascribing them to other people. Its purpose is to reduce anxiety.
If you are having trust or relationship issues it might be best to seek counseling. This is especially true if your desire is to reconnect with your ex-boyfriend. Understandably, it may be difficult for him to trust you again. You have violated his trust on three separate occasions. If you would agree to counseling, it might demonstrate to your ex that you are serious about changing your behavior. It might be one step towards earning his trust. If you would like to find a therapist, you may want to try this website. A therapist may be able to further clarify your behavior and also teach you how to engage in healthy relationships. I would highly recommend it.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 May 2010
Randle, K. (2010). Why Did I Cheat?. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 19, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/05/08/why-did-i-cheat/