Get Help or Give Up?

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Ok i got a few questions to ask as im coming to the stage of just giving up. 1. I have been told i have temper troubles or anger problems as my family say. I only noticed it myself about a year ago when i lost control at a family reunion and lashed out at my father hurting him, but to be fair i have a strained relationship with my father he is an alcoholic. long story short my mum and father are seperated since the birth of my sister but he cannot move on and refused to be a gentleman about things. he lived with us up to the age of 13 because of money reasons my mother cannot work due to medical reasons so he supported us up till 13 and my mother had enough of the lies and drinking issue. So he moved back in when i was 16 due to him losing his job to alcoholism and on the verge of suicide. Until recently he moved out again dont get me wrong i love my family but sometimes i feel distant from them because i habour my feelings due to trust issues which ill explain in a minute.

2.I had a lenghty relationship which ended really bad and took me 2 years to really move on to another relationship. The relationship started my first year of college and was going great we connected on alot of things which was great but we had a break due to unknown reasons just out of the blue, while my mum was in hospital sick. We made up a week later i was delighted anyway a month later she told me she was pregnant at first i was shocked and was only 17 was wondering how i was suppose to look after a baby when i had no job and could barley take care of myself. I got a job working away stacking shelves in a supermarket i felt embarrassed when friends would come in joking i knew it was just fun but still hurt.I soon got used to the idea of i was going to become a father and was eagerly counting the days down 6 months had gone and my birthday had arrived my mum had surprised me witha foreign holiday at first i wasnt going to go but my girlfriend convinced me to so went away on holidays and came back looking forward to see my girl, but who could of guessed she wasnt pregnant at all i sure hell didnt she told me she had a miscarriage while i was away i dont think i ever cried as much my flesh and blood months away from been born she had me checking up internet sites to see about the size of the baby alot of other things, eventually called her parents to see if she was ok they started called me a physco that i was going around saying she was pregnant i never had to deal with such stress as i had to finish my second year in college with her friends from first year still there she dropped out at end of first year. Thats my story can you give me any advice on what to do?

A. I would encourage you not to give up. I understand that you are frustrated and your life has been difficult lately but that is not a reason to “give up.” Problems are a part of life. We all experience them. No one is immune. Suffering is also a part of life. Some individuals have fewer problems than others and therefore suffer less but it is virtually impossible to completely avoid problems altogether. Therefore, it’s important to learn problem-solving skills to assist you when problems do arise.

Helen Keller was a prolific writer and lecturer. She was also deaf and blind. She understood that suffering was inevitable but that problems can be overcome. She wrote “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.”

Life skills and problem solving approaches can be developed in several ways. One way is through the guidance of a mentor. Mentors can be individuals who you respect and admire. Another involves reading and educating yourself about ways to improve your life. This could be accomplished by reading self-help books by well-qualified authors. I would suggest reading Abraham Maslow’s work about self-actualizing individuals. His work focuses on the characteristics of mentally healthy people. I would also recommend the work of M. Scott Peck, specifically the book The Road Less Traveled. A third way to develop problem-solving skills includes psychotherapy. A highly qualified psychotherapist could help you identify thoughts and behaviors that could be modified and teach you how to make those changes. He or she can work with you to help improve the quality of your life and to develop good problem solving skills. The goal would be to teach you the skills so that you could apply them to various aspects of your life. The overarching goal is ultimately to improve the quality of your life.

A therapist could also help you to deal with unresolved feelings that you may have about your father. Understandably, you harbor anger and resentment toward him. While it is understandable, it is not healthy. Anger degrades and diminishes the quality of your life.

The bottom line is that life is difficult but that is no reason to give up. Your life can improve like it has for many, many people feeling equally as distressed. It sounds as if there are at least several strategies that you may not have tried. When the strategies you have tried no longer are effective, it is important to recognize that fact and to ask for help. You began that process by writing to us at Psych Central. That shows that you are open to the possibility of professional help. You may want to try searching the Psychology Today directory to identify a therapist in your community. I wish you luck in the future. Thank you for your question.

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 5 May 2010

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2010). Get Help or Give Up?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/05/05/get-help-or-give-up/