Lying to men in order to get them

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am engaged to a man that i would consider to be my ideal match. Although he is great to me I feel the need to go on the internet and find other men. When I meet other men we start by just messaging back and forth but it has grown into talking on the phone and texting constantly. I have done this with 3 different men now over about a year. They always get to know me for me and I am honest with them with everything but my looks. I always send them fake picutres of someone that I wished I looked like. These kinds of realtionships can and have gone on for months. They seem to almost fall in love with me but obviously we could never meet becuase they think I am someone I am not. I make up every excuse in the book to not see them until they get fed up and just say that it is done. I then feel very heartbroken because I have fallen for them but cannot have them. Its almost like a high everytime i get a message from them. I always tell myself I need to stop, but then once they message or call me I can’t resist but to keep going on with them. I don’t know what is wrong with me that I feel the need to go out and look for other men. I also don’t know why I lie to them because it is not fair to them either. I cannot talk to anyone about this because everyone thinks that I am in a happy relationship with my fiancee. Please help.

A: Deep in your heart, I think you know it’s time to be fair to the guy you’re engaged to. You are not ready to be engaged or married. You know you are lying to the man who loves you just as much as you are lying to the strangers you court on the Internet. It’s to your credit that you are beginning to face yourself.

I don’t know what you’re up to. Perhaps there are pressures on you to marry so you are going along with it but escape into the fantasies. Perhaps you can’t bring yourself to break up with your fiance and hope that he’ll catch you in your lies and then do it for you. Perhaps you have so little self-esteem that the only way you can get validation is through the superior feeling that comes with manipulating others. Or maybe you’re just immature and still playing high school games. Whatever the reason, you and I both know that continuing on this way has an addictive quality that is a setup for emotional disaster.

Please respond to that inner voice that is saying “enough!” Look for a counselor who can help you sort out your feelings about love and commitment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Mar 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Lying to men in order to get them. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/03/22/lying-to-men-in-order-to-get-them/