I can’t get over what my ex did

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When i was 15 i met this guy, he was 17 and he was amazing and he was so different from the other jerks id dated before, i know you think at 15 it would just be a childish relationship, but it wasnt it was different, he made me feel things id never felt before, he showered me with gifts, and take me out to fancy restraunts, he told me that he wanted to keep me forever and never let me go, he told me he loved me.
we only ever got to 3rd base, but i knew i wanted him to take my virginity, i was waiting for the right person and he knew i was, i tld him i wanted it to be him and he said he wanted to too, only if i was sure, i loved him and we agreed to do it.

I know to a lot of people this is stupid, but my virginity and saving myself meant a lot to me and it was a big thing for me to make the desision.
I wanted it as soon as he was ready, he told me to wait, i did and then i got frustrated, he always said just let it flow and when it feels right we will, it drove me crazy.

One day out of the blue it was the right time and he asked me to go upstairs with him, i knew we would do it and i loved him so i wanted to.
Afterwards he was so cold, he didnt hug me or hold me like he usually did, he then got up and said he was going for a walk, i was so angry that he”d made it so unromantic i didnt care. He came back an hour later only to tell me he was going home and that he cared about me enough not to leave me in the dark but he had to go.

I was angry and upset, i cried for hours, when i called him later he asked me to go out for dinner with him so we could talk about it, but i told him to just tell me and he decided to end it there and then. He never gave me a valid reason for ending it though.

I have trust issues as my dad has always made empty promises my whole life and lied to me, i thought i couid trust this guy and told him everything, now i cannot trust anyone because he took something from me that was suppose to be special and he made it so wrong, he knew it mattered to me and he still did it, i wonder now what all the kind words were for all the gifts and dinners, what was all that about if he didnt care and wanted to hurt me so much.

I am with someone else know but i cannot trust them, im cold and horrible and refuse to even celebrate valentines day because i hate what loves done to me. I refuse to get married, i hate men with a vengence, and i believe everyone is out to hurt me. I constantly try and think of why he did what he did to me, im an island and i wont let anyone in because im so afraid to trust.

I dont want to be this cold person anymore who no longer believes in love or romance. Every day i think about what my ex did and it hurts me, i have no confidence whatsoever and i just want to know why he did that to me, ill never have an answer so ill never trust anyone again and ill be lonely and bitter for the rest of my life. Im so sick of thinking about him, i just want to forget, or get an answer to that question.
What should i do to move on?

A: Of course you’re upset. You are angry with the guy for being so callous about something that meant so much to you. And you’re angry with yourself for not having read the guy or the situation correctly. But – please – give yourself a break! You were only 15 at the time. You were in love, inexperienced, and swept off your feet by an older guy who filled up the empty place left by your disappointment in your dad. You were vulnerable and the boyfriend took advantage of that vulnerability in an inexcusable way.

We’ll never know why he did it. He may not even know himself. What matters is that you are giving an event that happened 5 years ago so much power over you. Do you really want this fellow’s bad behavior to determine whether you can love and be loved? Do you really want to let his betrayal of your trust color your attitude toward all men and all love? He’s just not worthy of being given such an important place in your life!

You are fortunate to live in a city where there are lots of competent counselors who can give you some help. Please ask your doctor or someone else you trust for a referral. You’ve been spinning around this problem for so long that you can’t seem to find your way out. With a counselor’s support you can get beyond this traumatic event. With time and attention, you can feel safe opening yourself up to love again. There are good men out there. Really. You deserve the chance to be loved, cherished, and respected in a relationship with a man you love, cherish, and respect.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Mar 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I can’t get over what my ex did. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/03/20/i-cant-get-over-what-my-ex-did/