I can’t get over my ex husband

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was married for 22 years. During this time my husband would tell me that he wouldn’t touch me because I was too fat to turn him on. (even when I was 51kg). I also caught him on the phone whispering to another woman but be claimed they were just friends. Eventually I believed he didn’t love me and I met someone else. We split up but I still loved my husband. Eventually, he said that he loved me and wanted me to come home. I thought he meant it and I sold my house and all my belonging ready to move back. I went to tell him the day the removalist would be bringing my things and he said “F#@% off. I don’t want you. I’m madly in love with someone else. That was 2 years ago and I just can’t get over it. I really thought we were going to make it. The other person I met earlier is still around and loves me even though he knows I’m not over my ex. I keep beggin my ex to take me back but he says he never wants to see me again. This has totally messed me up and it hasn’t done much for our 3 sons either. Why would he do all he could to stop me from being with someone else and convince me that he loves me just to turn around and say “I don’t want you”, again. I believe he still wants us together but he feels he can’t go back because of what people might think. I know he has put me down to people. Why can’t I get over this. It is destroying me.

A: The question is not why your ex-husband behaves as he does. The question you need to answer is why you are so obsessed with getting him back that you can’t accept the love that is being offered to you. For some women, winning someone over their objections or taking someone away from someone else is the only way they know they are truly loved. Sadly, it doesn’t work that way. People who are persuaded, coerced, or talked into loving never give their hearts freely. People who can be taken away from someone else can also be taken away.

I can only guess that something happened in your life that makes you feel that a false “victory” counts more than freely offered love. This is a matter for some serious therapy, not an advice column. Please. Get yourself into therapy — both for your own sake and the sake of your sons. You need to settle this issue for your own peace of mind. Your sons need a better role model for what love is about.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 5 Mar 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I can’t get over my ex husband. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/03/05/i-cant-get-over-my-ex-husband-2/