Boyfriend would rather spend time with friend

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my fiance have kids together but he always spending time with friends We have 3 small kids under 5. He works with his friend “Max”. Well even when he gets off he hangs with him another 2 hours. Then on the weekends when he is off i say lets take the kids to the park and he says no he dont want to… But as soon as Max calls him he says ya dude i be on my way in a bit. I get real mad because he works with him and then he sees him on the weekends too. We have been together 2 years and he says he lives with me i dont need to see him that much. But its not so much for me as our daughters.

i’d love to see him more too but i’m home all the time with no car and no money and when i do want to do something he says well if your gonna go out then i’m going to also. It makes me so depressed and angry. And i have tried talking to him many times and he says stop complaining or im being rude or demanding. He makes me cry so much with the stuff he says. And its like he doesnt even care when i tell him because its still the same. We’re 22 and his friend is 19 not married no relationship and no kids. Please help me i dont know what else to do besides pack up my kids and leave for good.

A: It sounds to me like your fiance doesn’t want to accept the fact that he now has responsibilities. He’s living like his unattached friend rather than like a mate and father. Meanwhile, you are isolated and trapped, trying to parent three small children pretty much by yourself.

In many ways, you are already a single parent. It doesn’t sound like things would change much if you were on your own in that respect. But I do understand that it’s very hard to give up on someone you loved and with whom you’ve had at least a couple of children. You didn’t make a family with him to end up like this. It must be terribly disappointing.

I strongly suggest that you find yourself a counselor to help you decide what you can do in this situation. If your fiance will go with you, terrific. Perhaps you two can make a partnership out of your relationship yet. But if he won’t participate and won’t consider making some changes, you have some hard, hard decisions to make. You and the kids deserve more attention, love, and support than you’re getting. If your fiance won’t face the responsibilities of adult life, it may be that the best thing to do is to go it alone for now and eventually to look for someone who will be a true partner for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Mar 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Boyfriend would rather spend time with friend. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/03/03/boyfriend-would-rather-spend-time-with-friend/