I was married for 22 years. During this time my husband would tell me that he wouldn’t touch me because I was too fat to turn him on. (even when I was 51kg). I also caught him on the phone whispering to another woman but be claimed they were just friends. Eventually I believed he didn’t love me and I met someone else. We split up but I still loved my husband. Eventually, he said that he loved me and wanted me to come home. I thought he meant it and I sold my house and all my belonging ready to move back. I went to tell him the day the removalist would be bringing my things and he said “F#@% off. I don’t want you. I’m madly in love with someone else.
That was 2 years ago and I just can’t get over it. I really thought we were going to make it. The other person I met earlier is still around and loves me even though he knows I’m not over my ex. I keep beggin my ex to take me back but he says he never wants to see me again. This has totally messed me up and it hasn’t done much for our 3 sons either.
Why would he do all he could to stop me from being with someone else and convince me that he loves me just to turn around and say “I don’t want you”, again. I believe he still wants us together but he feels he can’t go back because of what people might think. I know he has put me down to people. Why can’t I get over this. It is destroying me.
A: What a blow! I’m so very sorry for the pain this has caused you. It sounds to me like your marriage lasted as long as it did because you are such a loyal person (and maybe such an optimist) that you put up with more than most women would. From what you wrote, it seems this man has a mean streak. He didn’t want you but he couldn’t stand it for someone else to love you so he led you on. The other option, I suppose, is that the same loyalty that kept your marriage together prevented you from reading the signs that he wasn’t serious about wanting you back so he had to push you away hard to make it clear that your marriage is over.
Whatever the case, what is destroying you at this point is yourself. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who wouldn’t touch you during your marriage, who carried on with other women, and who now puts you down to other people?? Why aren’t you thanking your lucky stars that there is a man in your life who loves you so much that he’ll wait around while you sort yourself out?
I encourage you to seek out a counselor to help you stop focusing on your past and to instead turn your attention to your present and future. It could well be that the best part of your life is what’s ahead. Please grab the chance for happiness. You deserve far better than what your ex ever offered you.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Feb 2010
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I can’t get over my ex husband. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 28, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/02/24/i-cant-get-over-my-ex-husband/