how can I help him ?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

my new boyfriend has a three year old daughter who he barely sees as he didnt know she was his till last year . he also lives 250 miles away we have known each other a while and got together just as he was applying for access . his ex denied access and he told me he was going to take her to court that was a week ago ive tried phoning him txting and cheaking social networking sites we has spoken very breifly and sounds very deppressed. now he wont answer his phone to me or answer my txts i was realy worried as he posted how deppresed he was on a networking site .my friend saw how destraut i was and sent him a msg saying all i wanted to do was be there for him and why was he ignoring me . he txt me last nite saying he had enough going on and i knew he had to go to court and stuff and he didnt need nasty messages . i just want to be there for him ! has he ended the relationchip he just doesnt seem to want to know r we going to be ok ? should i leave him alone till he contacts me or just assume its over please help

A: I know your intentions are good and that you want to be a support to him. But sometimes “being there” means backing off. This is a new relationship. Your boyfriend is dealing with very emotional issues. Everyone handles high stress in their own way. His way may be to pull inward and handle important decisions one at a time. He has told you that he needs space right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship; only that he really does need space.

I suggest you be patient and let him take the lead. If he is interested in pursuing a relationship with you, he’ll contact you when he has the emotional energy for it. You could send him one more (and I mean one more) text telling him that you understand, that you send your support and caring, and that you’ll be happy to hear from him when he’s ready. If it goes weeks and months before you hear from him again, either you two are on different timetables or his life is too complicated to include you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Feb 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). how can I help him ?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/02/10/how-can-i-help-him/