Is he playing mind games

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met someone online 1.5 months ago. I blew him off for a week after our first conversation and apologized. I let him know I was talking to other people but nothing serious so I wanted to get to know him better. We met 3 weeks ago.

He has a foot fetish (which scared me at first), says that he likes constant reassurance and is a dominant personality (which I don’t mind). He wanted me to be exclusive with him and I finally told him that I would do that but only if I have his word that he is serious about me and not playing games and that he reciprocate. He mentioned that women tend to fall all over him and that he ends up having to block their numbers. We both hid our online profiles at the same time to focus on each other but he never believed that I stopped talking to people on more than a friend level. He left me a voicemail once saying that I wont stop until I lose it all and to not ask what that means because I already know. He says that he is the kind of man that will make me think???

We met, hit it off, kissed and had a great time. We had plans to meet last Saturday and I stayed up making him choco covered pretzels and strawberries as a suprise.

He lives 2 hours away, I told him that wasn’t excited about driving so far to see him. I have a temporary roommate, so it wouldn’t be convenient for him to come to me. He is more of a homebody and thinks that I want him to entertain me. I also let him know that I was thinking of moving and fed up with my job.

We were supposed to meet last Saturday. We talk that previous Sunday and he told me how much he enjoyed our conversations and time spent together and I replied similarly. I called him on Monday to see if he’d be interested in meeting half way. I didn’t hear back from him until 12 am on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning when he left me a message mocking me asking if I wanted to meet him half way?!! We talked on Thursday night he said he felt uneasy about planning our date and that he’d call on Friday to confirm what we’d do. During our conversation, he asked when I have my period (so he could track it and understand if I was acting moody). He wants me to open up.

He never called on Friday and I left him a message asking if he was still interested and to let me know if not, but he had been showing all the signs of being interest but was a lil distant last week.

I hear back Saturday morning when he said we should just be friends, that I need someone more active, closer (distance) and that he’s thinking of moving and its not fair to put me thru that.

I cried because it caught me so off guard that he was dumping me and told him that I want to continue the relationship. He said he’d think about it and call in a few hours. He never called back so I called him 5 hours later… He blocked my # from calling his phone and his page was back online???? (WTF happened).

I called him on Sunday (from a blocked #), he was really cold saying he had to go and what do I want. I told him that we didn’t have any major issues causing him to back away like this and to give me another chance to show him the real me, no games, no other men, etc. He agreed and said he had somewhere to be so he’d call back later. Before he hung up, he said he felt like I was playing 2 many games, not exclusive with him and that he had some things going on personally BUT that he was willing to give us another try, he wanted to see me this coming weekend, would pay for my gas to drive to him, that he would look into getting a webcam so we can chat and see each other, and that he would call later to discuss it more.

I haven’t heard from him since. I called him on Tuesday (my # is still blocked) and I sent him flowers (cost 50 bucks) on Tuesday. He got the flowers but still hasn’t called to even acknowledge them or to talk like he said he would.

What’s up with this guy? Head games? Not interested? Why would he say that he’d give it another go and elaborate so much just to blow me off again? He showed no signs of being uninterested until I left the message asking if he was still into me. Will he call? Completely not interested or does he just enjoy seeing me squirm and will call when i finally back off? Please help! I can’t take this anymore. It’s too stressful. I will let it go, but I hate unanswered questions

A: Although you’ve been talking online for a month and a half, you only met each other 3 weeks ago. It’s far too soon to be so intense. From where I sit, both of you are making unreasonable demands on each other. It’s not reasonable for him to want an “exclusive” relationship with someone he barely knows. It’s not reasonable for you to be in such hot pursuit. He seems a bit full of himself from what he has told you about himself. Your behaviour makes you look too needy. There’s entirely too much drama going on for this relationship to unfold in a way that will be satisfying to you both.

My suggestion is that you back way, way off. The way relationships begin is often the way they continue. You are already feeling jerked around. My guess is that you can only look forward to more of the same.

Meanwhile, your self-esteem could use a boost. I hope there are things about your life that you enjoy and are proud of. When you are feeling stronger, find a way to meet men with similar interests. Let a relationship evolve from shared activities and a growing friendship. You’ll end up with a much more satisfying and mutual relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Feb 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). Is he playing mind games. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/02/06/is-he-playing-mind-games/