BF has anger issues

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

A: Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Feb 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). BF has anger issues. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/02/03/bf-has-anger-issues/