My mother won’t speak to me anymore

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m still friends w/my ex, who tends to get into alot of trouble. I’ve made the mistake in the past of helping him out, so my mother always has this fear that I’ll do it again, which i understand. Last week he got in some trouble where i live and is no longer allowed on the property. He showed up twice, i let him in and argued w/him to leave.

So, when i told my mother that i even let him in, she completely flipped out on me and texted me the next day saying that we just shouldn’t talk anymore. Before this i talked to my mother everyday about everything. It’s so hurtful to feel that she is so dissapointed in me that she has no problem just not talking to me anymore. She doesn’t believe that i am capable of making the right decisions. With this particular issue, that was the last time he showed up and i explained that showing up at all is unacceptable.

I’m 27 years old, have been on my own since i was 17, have had the same job for 9 years. I think i’ve done great, why is she treating me like this? What should i do? Is it okay to just grant her wish and not call her at all? I can’t believe she hasnt even attempted to talk to me.

A: I’m so glad you are trying to figure out how to bridge the gap. A lot of people would have added their hurt to their mother’s and made it even wider.

I think you do understand why she’s upset. The fact is that you did let your ex in when he isn’t even allowed on the property. Your mother is scared to death that when it comes to this guy, all your good sense goes out the window. You’re lucky that he just argued and then left. There are many men who would have hurt you to get even. My guess is that your mom is distancing from you to buffer what she may believe is the inevitability that you are going to get hurt someday. She doesn’t know what to say to you to get through to you and probably fears that anything she does say will either be pointless or will make things worse.

Because you’ve made the mistake of letting him back into your life before, your mother is likely to take anything you say with a grain of salt. All you can do is apologize and then show her that you’ve finally learned your lesson. It would probably be helpful if she saw you developing healthy relationships with decent guys who don’t get into trouble and who treat you with respect and caring.

Your mother undoubtedly misses you as much as you miss her. Let her know that you love her. Make some changes that she can see. Give it time.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Jan 2010

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). My mother won’t speak to me anymore. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/01/29/my-mother-wont-speak-to-me-anymore/

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