A little more than a year ago I had my first “sexual” encounter with my boyfriend, who later left me. I lost my virginity to the first guy who tried to comfort me. After that, I let 3 other guys have sex with me, although i had always thought sex was something to be saved till marriage. After the 3rd guy, i attempted suicide, and having failed i had sex with two more guys in the span of a year. Now I have always thought that i was beautiful, but lately i have been doubting it a lot. I’m so depressed and when my friends take me out i drink beforehand so that i can try to have a good time. I can’t stop thinking about sex, it is always on my mind, and if a guy says that i am beautiful i do sexual favors for him. I’ve had really weird thoughts recently too, like once, my boyfriend was falling asleep on my lap, and i took my hands and covered his mouth and pinched his nose shut; he had to pry my hands off of him because i wouldn’t let go! He thought i was only kidding but that really scared me..I don’t know what’s wrong with me!
A: I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with you either. But I’m very glad you wrote. We both know something is terribly wrong here. Sex has become so central in your life that you are risking your life (and playing with the lives of others) because of it.
Please trust those good instincts that told you you’re in trouble and helped you take the first step by writing here. Go see a therapist and very soon. You need to sit down with a trusted and experienced counselor to get to the bottom this. With some good work, you will find the reassurance you need inside yourself.
I searched your city on the Internet and found that there are many reputable mental health services there. Don’t assume you can’t afford it. Make the calls and find out which service has a sliding fee scale or a program for young people. Your doctor can also make a referral. (You don’t have to tell the doctor the specifics of what it’s about if you don’t want to; just that you need to see a counselor.)
So far you’ve been lucky but it’s only a matter of time before you make a mistake that you can’t undo. Please take care of yourself. You’re worth it.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Jan 2010
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2010). I keep having sex so I know I’m wanted. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 9, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2010/01/03/i-keep-having-sex-so-i-know-im-wanted/