My boyfriend isn’t talking to me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been going out for two weeks, ever since homecoming. He is my first boyfriend and I am his second. We weren’t much before we started going out (i.e. we talked about 30min-1hr a day at school [we are freshmen in high school] although we both liked each other) but now that he’s asked me out, he seems to be talking to me less and less, little by little.

He is never the one to text me or start the conversation, but when I start it he engages in the conversation very well. I feel like I shouldn’t have to talk to him and tell him that he should talk to me more. When you like someone you should /want/ to talk to them more, you shouldn’t have to be told. If I do talk to him, I feel like, if he changes, that him talking to me more would be because I told him too.

He did this exact thing with his last girlfriend, and she broke up with him. I feel like this may be the right option, because everyone deserves to have someone that likes them back. I also don’t want to be waiting around with someone who doesn’t like me as a girlfriend.

I still really like him still. He hesitation on breaking up is that he may not have the same idea of what a relationship is or how to act in one (although that doesn’t explain why he’s been talking to me less).

Should I break up with him? Or should I talk to him about this? If so, what should I say? Is there something else I could do?

A: One of the unfairnesses in life is that girls tend to be ready for romance before the boys. I think you may be right that he may not have the same idea you have about what a relationship is and how to behave in one. He may believe that asking you out tells you everything you want to know.

It sounds to me that you had a better friendship with this guy when you were just friends. 30 – 60 minutes a day is a lot of talking for most guys. As you have increased your expectations, he has backed off.

Instead of breaking up, why not start with backing up? Make the friendship part of your relationship more solid by appreciating his good qualities and enjoying the conversations he has with you. As he gets more comfortable, he may start to have more to say. If you stop working so hard to get him to talk, he may find the space to initiate a conversation.

I don’t know if this will work for you or not but I do think that giving up on someone after only 2 weeks is rushing it a bit. I susggest you give it more time and less pressure and then see what you both think.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Nov 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). My boyfriend isn’t talking to me. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/11/16/my-boyfriend-isnt-talking-to-me/

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