Am I too jealous?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I are having problems because he says my jealousy and insecurity have pushed him away. Here is what has happened. We have been together for 2 and a half years and have a daughter together. He refuses to move in together. Currently he is living un his own home on property that he rents from his exgirlfriend. The ex that he rents from was married while he was sleeping with her and her husband knew and was ok with it! And she goes out to his house whenever she feels like it and he told me there’s nothing he can do about it because its her property. He has went to her house in the middle of the night when her husband wasn’t there and then got mad at me when I got upset about it and accused him of having sex with her. When I became pregnant with our daughter I asked him to move in with me and said he didn’t want to move off the property he lives on cause he didn’t want to leave his landlord/ex girlfriend with money problems. Then he accused me of being jealous and insecure when I got mad about that. He is always telling me there is nothing between them anymore and that I’m over reacting but he is constantly putting everyone else and everything else ahead of me. He also told me, when I was 8 months pregnant, that a girl at work, who is very young and pretty, offered him sex. Then he proceeded to ask me that if we broke up could we still be friends. Then accused me of being too jealous when I got angry by this. He also invited his ex and her husband on a camping trip and told me I wasn’t invited and when I got mad he called me insecure. He has recently broke up with me saying he can’t deal with my jealousy and insecurity and accusations. Was I over reacting? And how can I stop being so jealous and insecure?

A: No. You’re not overreacting. What people do is far more important than what they say. This guy has never put you first. Why do you think he will start now? He likes the life he is living. You’re the one who is unhappy. I’m puzzled why you hang on to the idea that he is going to make a life and a home with you. Your “jealousy” is your own good sense telling you that staying with him will probably mean constant disappointment.

You didn’t mention how he relates to his daughter. She may be the only glue that is holding you two together. On the other hand, if he is as casual about his relationship with his little girl as he is with you, even that “glue” isn’t holding.

If you want a stable and more traditional married and family life, it doesn’t look to me like this guy is a good bet. I hope you will find the strength and the resources to stand up for yourself and your child. There are good men in the world who would be happy to make a family with the two of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Nov 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Am I too jealous?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/11/14/am-i-too-jealous/