Was he just using me?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

About 7 moths ago i got seperated from my 7 year marriage because i wasn’t happy and i dont love him. i started to go out with my friends and i really wasn’t looking for someone. two months later i met a guy at a club at first i just wanted to dance i was attracted to him. so he asked me for my phone and i dont know why i gave it to him because other guys had asked me and i didn’t give it to them. So he called me the next day but i didn’t answer because i didn’t recgize his numbr. He send me a text the following day and i replied cause i was wondering who that was. Then he kept on calling me a lot and i wouldn’t answer but he was so annoying and finally i agreed to go out with him. We went out that night and i had fun and he was always so sweet to me he would tell me the prettiest things and made me feel special. We started to go out but i was the one going to his place all the time because i didnt want my family to know.

Everythng was good he would even tell me that he wanted to me to move in with himm whcich i said no and at the beginning i also told him not to fall in love with me because i didnt wanted anything serious. So we were together fot 4 moths

but about a month ago he started to change he would get irritated really fast. I asked him if he didnt love me anymore and he would say yes and one night after makig love he told me that he didnt love me that he needed sometime to think about what he wanted. That he didn’ wanted to hurt me. I told him that why he had said the he loved me if he didnt ad he sad that he thought he loved me but he did’t.

Now i feel real stupid like he just played me and only wanted the sex. He has been my second sexual partner and i feel so bad. Like how could i be so stupid to beleve him. I did fall in love with him he made me feel thigs that i didn’t feel about my husband. Now i can’t stop thinkng about whether i should just go back to my husband because i dot want to be hurt again. Now i know that most guys only want sex and i know that my husband loves me and he would take me back anytime. Of corse i would not tell him what hapend but i would feel very guilty. Please help me think better. Was this guy only playing me?

A: I don’t know if he was playing you. It’s true that some guys are only interested in the thrill of the hunt. Once they have the object of their desires, they lose interest. On the other hand, it could be that this fellow was genuinely interested in you initially but lost interest as he got to know you better. Courtship is about getting to know someone more and more and sorting out whether or not the person is for you. There are many decision points along the way.

My biggest concern is that you decided you were “in love” just a few months into a new relationship and very quickly after leaving a long marriage. It makes me wonder if you needed to convince yourself that you were in love in order to try out a new relationship. It’s been a long time since you dated. For many people, this is a scary time. You may have tried to skip over dealing with the anxiety by getting too close too fast.

Instead of trying to analyze the guy, I think you need to do some work on yourself. The question isn’t whether you should go back to the security of a man who loves you but who you don’t love. I think you need to be working on discovering who you are as an independent person and what you want in life. If you could do this by yourself, you would have done it. For that reason, I strongly suggest you get into therapy and work through why your marriage failed, how you may have contributed to it, and what you want and need in a relationship. If you do that work well, you are less likely to make the same mistakes and more likely to find the soulmate you are looking for.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 12 Nov 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Was he just using me?. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/11/12/was-he-just-using-me/

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