Psych Central


Im writing because I’ve been told I should talk to someone. Every day, more and more, I feel like I just want to be alone. I used to love being around people, and friends, and family. Now, every day I go to work, come home, and sit at home and pretty much do nothing. If someone invites me to something, I find that I make excuses not to go. If someone asks if I want to go get a few drinks at a bar or get something to eat, I find a reason not to go. This wasn’t me 4 years ago.

Alot has happened in the last 4 years though. I used to be a very happy person. Genuinely happy. I was with the woman I thought I wanted to marry. I loved her very much. She had a son from another man that I also loved very much, and treated him like he was my own. About 2 years into our relationship, she married her son’s father without me knowing. A year later, she came to me and told me she had married him, saying she only did it for more money to support her son. My income was the only money we had to work with, and apparently wasn’t enough. I later came to find out marrying him was the only way he could be deployed into active duty for the Army without him giving up his rights to his son. So, she lied to me, I forgave her because I was fooled, and I stayed with her, sort of. She ended up deciding she wanted her son to be with his “real dad” and that she was going to move to Europe with him and live on a military base.

We never lost our feelings for each other. She realized the mistake she had made after she moved to Europe, and still realizes it to this day. I still love her, but it hurts to love someone so much and not be able to be with them. Because of this, I tried to just cut her out of my life by not talking to her anymore. That ended up just hurting even more.

Now, after almost a year of not talking to her, I decided to let her back into my life. She now lives back in the U.S., but a few states away. We’ve been talking on and off for the past few weeks. That’s part 1.

Two years ago my mother died. I loved her more than anyone in this world. If there was anyone I wish was still here with me, it would be her. I miss her so much, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. She died of breast cancer. She fought very long, and very hard. She was very brave. I hope I can be as strong as my mother someday. So to say the least, I haven’t really come to terms with her death yet. I don’t know how to.

So to sum it all up and get to my point, both of these horrible things happened within 1 year of each other. I haven’t been the same since. People have told me I need to see a doctor/psychiatrist, I should be on medication, I should “forget about it” and I should move on with my life. I can’t move on. This is why I’m writing. I just need a professional opinion on what to do next. I constantly feel sad and depressed, and can’t stand being around a bunch of people at once. I feel like I want to find another love interest one minute, then feel like I just want to be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel lonely, and then sometimes I’ll want to be alone. I’m very confused, and I don’t know which major thing of the 2 affected me more. Please help.

A: What a sad story. You lost the woman you loved, the boy you took into your heart, and your mother within a year. It doesn’t matter which event affected you more. The cumulative effect is that you are miserable. Your letter shows you to be a sensitive person who loves deeply. It’s no wonder you’re stuck and unhappy.

The fact that you wrote your letter shows me that at least a part of you is ready to do the work you need to do to heal. I agree you need professional help but an advice column isn’t going to be enough. Please consider seeing a psychotherapist to help you sort out your feelings and to get some support. No therapist is going to tell you to just “forget about it.” You can’t. You need new ways to manage your losses before you can move on in life. I don’t know whether medication is necessary. It might help you clear your mind enough so that you can work on your issues or it may be that talk therapy is enough. You and your therapist will decide together if you need medicine to help you get a jumpstart. If you don’t know where to start looking for a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral.

You’ve been in pain far too long. You’re only 28. You have a long life ahead of you. I hope you will take the next step and get yourself the help you need so you can begin to enjoy life again and so you can find a woman who gives you the honest and genuine love you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Nov 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Sometimes I feel lonely, and then sometimes I’ll want to be alone. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/11/06/sometimes-i-feel-lonely-and-then-sometimes-ill-want-to-be-alone/