In love with this guy

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am an attractive male academic professional in love with another attractive male academic professional. By way of history, we met 7 years ago when he leased the office next to me. We locked eyes when we first saw each other and I found myself spontaneously asking him to join me at a barbecue I had been invited to. To my joy, he agreed to go and we had a wonderful time with never-ending fresh conversation. I have always been comfortable with my attraction to men but am not “out” although I am sure many suspect. At the barbecue we only seemed to have eyes for each other and I senses others were wondering what was going on with us. My friend professes to be straight and was married when I first met him (now divorced for reasons not involving me)but he always compliments me; holds chairs out for me, is very sweet and likes to wine and dine me at intimate and expensive restaurants. We have never been intimate and despite the fact that we had a falling out for a few years over a nonsensical business deal, we are “on” again. Tonight we had the most romantic dinner and he was as charming as usual. He always dresses up when we go to dinner and I like that about him.During dinner today, I told him that I missed him terribly when we were not together and he stated he felt the same.I should mention that during a brief hospitalization he brought me flowers and candy while during an emergency visit he had a few years back I waited on him while he was attended to. He told me tonight that he did not have a “bi” bone in him but that he considered me his best friend. After dinner we went shopping together and I helped him pick out some sportscoats . I notice that when we are together, people tend to treat us as a couple and it does not seem to bother him. He is very close to his father. I just find it difficult to believe that this man is totally straight but wonder what you think. He is single now and a devoted father. I also have children but they are grown.

I am in love with him.

A: What I think is that your friend has made it very clear what kind of relationship he will have with you. The tough position you’re in is that you want something else. Unrequited love can be very, very painful. Only you know whether you can accept the friendship you have and be grateful for it without pressuring your friend for more intimacy than he is prepared to give you.

Really good friends are hard to find. I hope you can enjoy this special relationship and accept your friend’s limits. If you’re looking for romantic love, I hope you will make yourself available to others so that you can find a lover as well. Then you will be doubly blessed.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Nov 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). In love with this guy. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/11/04/in-love-with-this-guy/