Boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My Boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me a week ago and I’m trying to figure some things out.

He is shy and reserved, while I am more outgoing. During our relationship, everytime we would get to a point where everything was great, he would pull back, like he was afraid of something. During this time his father and I got to know each other very well and developed a nice friendship where I was able to speak openly with him . He told me that my boyfriend’s mom was the same way, just give it time.

We finally got to a point on our last date where we were closer than we had ever been (never sexually). It was as though our relationship…our closeness…had reached a new peak…as though he had gotten over his “hang up”……like he was a whole new person….that evening, we continued texting eachother, and telling eachother how much we were in love with eachother.

Then the next day he pulled WAAAYYY back. Didnt answer my text messages or phone calls, then when he did start replying it was only occasionally and he didnt really seem like he wanted to see me. We saw eachother a week later and while it was wonderful being with him we seemed a little distant when we said goodnight…..

4 days later, he broke up with me and I was devastated. He had been telling me that he loved me, then suddenly said he didnt. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me he didnt really love me, but he couldnt even look at me. He was crying(a little), as was I(a lot)…..

Later that same night we began texting again…..he said “please remember I still love you.”….and that all this was because “I(he) was stupid and didnt want a relationship for some stupid reason.” (the way I read that…between the lines… he is saying he made a mistake…thoughts?)

The next night we were back to texting just as we were when we first began dating. He was flirting with me again and we were arguing over who was more adorable….and it seemed like maybe we were on our way back……then I told him how there was this guy who wanted to date me, but I didnt want to see him because there was this other guy who gave me butterflies whenever I was near him….he cut me off and said “you give me butterflies too…”…..I thought that was very sweet and we were surely going to work this out.

Then I asked him if he wanted me to get over him, and he said “noooooooooo.” But the next day he said he just wanted to be “friends”…..and when I questioned him about that, asked him why he would want to be friends yet not want me to get over him…..he replied..”why do we have to get over eachother just because we’re not going out?” When I see that reply, to me it also means he is not over me. When I look back at this past week, its as though he says he wants to be friends, but then says other things to make it seem as though he cares for me on another level….as more than friends

During all this time, his friends and his father have said that he seems happiest when he is with me, and aside from the fact that his father said his mother was the same way(fears of reationships and getting too close), no one can really understand it.

I truly love him and would like to have a future with him, but I am at the end of my rope. His father is willing to help as well. Is there anything I or his father can do or say to him to help him overcome his relationship fear issues and give our relationship a fair shot to see if it really is right?

A: One of the many great unfairnesses of nature is that girls are often ready for relationships far earlier than boys. My guess is that your guy really likes you but isn’t as ready as you are to take the steps toward a deeper or more exclusive relationship. This has nothing to do with how his mother was as an adult. His dad should know better than to get involved on this level with his teenager’s relationships.

My best suggestion to you is that you slow way, way down. Enjoy your friendship with this fellow and let that friendship deepen and mature. Do fun things together. Hang out with each other’s friends and families. Figure out what you have in common and enjoy it.

Don’t talk about romance. Don’t ask him to swear his love and devotion. That stuff belongs in movies and in relationships that are much further along than yours. If this relationship is meant to be, it will unfold naturally.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Oct 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/10/19/boyfriend-of-3-months-broke-up-with-me/