Desperation, Or So It Seems

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I will start of my introducing myself. I am 20 years old. I am a mother to two year lil girl. Ok so I began a relationship with a man who I love dearly I feel almost obsessed with. We started dating or should I just saying seeing each other sexually back in July last year. At that time I was going through a domestic violence break up and my ex was in jail. He soon got out of jail and some how found his way back into my life & house. I was still seeing my current boyfriend every week or so. He’d let me stay over for a few days and then I would go back to my ex who was violent each time I returned. We kept this routine up till December when I finally stood up and called the police. So late December I moved in with my boyfriend and on New Years he was hosting a party in which I was totally intoxicated(btw I am not a loud drunk or wild one I am quite and have little to no self control) well I cheated on him with a guest at the party. Not full on sex but kissing and touching.

When my boyfriend became aware of this he was hurt and mad. I return to the house and went to sleep. He asked me to leave and I did. I begged to stay but he was sure that I should leave. He dropped me off at my sisters and I kept in contact with him for the whole day but the next morning he was picking me up to move back in.

So those series of events have occurred over and over since January. Not the cheating but the moving out and back in I hadn’t actually moved out until late Feb. but I was always threatened to being kicked out. They have been for different reasons each time. He has admitted it to that he is one of those people that when something isn’t going right he gives it the boot. I have always been at a constant fear with him. I try everything to fix our relationship. In May I moved out for the whole summer making my way back in August. The summer between us was filled with unnecessary drama and meaningless sex. I come over to stay a few days and some thing would occur and I’d leave on my own or by his word.

I say I will change and I have done little so far. He calls me names. In his eyes I am a liar, a whore, a bitch, a loser, and most recently a bad mom. It’s hard to say I’m not happy because I am still here with him. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me because he believes that I will mess it up some how or another. He wanted the freedom of talking and sleeping with other girls and I was well I said I was okay with that. I would check up on him go through his phone and email. Just to see not to interfere but he had sent a picture to his email of a girl and I was hurt and I reacted. He told me he sent it there to see if I was checking his email. But once I reacted he wanted me out. Told me he doesn’t want to live his life being followed like a dog. That I shouldn’t not trust him. He never has done anything for me to lose trust in him.

But I am literally one of those girls willing to put up with anything to be with him. I am always some way being put down. Daily he will look for what is wrong with me constantly. Analyze my every move just to find a flaw or so it seems. I am aware of this but I won’t let myself go from him.
He says he wants me out before New Years. It’s not all too cold between us he still lets me sleep in his bed and other things. I just wonder is their a possibility of working it through with him. He tells me that I can talk but I can never walk. So to speak I tell him how it will be and never deliver. He has started talking to someone new they text all day so it seems. I am at a lost now. But am not willing to throw in the towel. Just yet !

A. My suggestion is to consider therapy. You seem to involve yourself in relationships that are unhealthy. You do this repeatedly and you find it difficult to stop. As you mentioned you’re willing to tolerate things in a relationship that many people would not. You recognize this but you’re not sure how to change. You have endured domestic violence as well as a myriad of other unacceptable relationship problems.

Therapy could be empowering. It can help you develop self-esteem. If your self-esteem was higher, then you may be less tolerant of some of the behaviors being exhibited by your current partner. It may also help you be less emotionally dependent on him. In essence, he can do what he wants and you tolerate it. He can cheat on you, hit you, go to jail for hitting you and is still able to partner with you after he gets out of jail. He also can verbally abuse you and kick you out of his house. These are all behaviors he gets away with because unfortunately, you have allowed him to. Therapy can help you to learn that you don’t have to tolerate this behavior from anyone. Therapy can also teach you how to behave in a relationship. Some aspects of your letter indicate that you may also be guilty of engaging in unacceptable behavior during the course of the relationship (i.e. cheating). A therapist can help you analyze what part, if any, you play in this problematic relationship. This type of analysis can help you with future relationships as well as improve the way you feel when you are by yourself.

I’m not sure of your exact question but I believe the essence of it is, should you stay in your current relationship. This is a difficult question to answer because I do not know many specific details.

Generally speaking, it’s not healthy to stay in a relationship with someone who physically and verbally abuses you, regularly cheats on you, and tells you to leave the home and then invites you back after a short time. It seems like an unstable relationship and most likely it is psychologically damaging to you. Only you can truly answer the question of whether you should stay in the relationship, but it’s wise to review your decision with a mental health professional. He or she can guide you and give you objective advice about how to proceed. If you would like to find a therapist in your area please consult this directory. Thank you for your question.

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Oct 2009

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2009). Desperation, Or So It Seems. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 16, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/10/13/desperation-or-so-it-seems/