I am pushing my boyfriend away

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Well we have been dating for 6 months and the past 2 months we have been arguing a lot and i am the one who starts the arguments i don’t know what to do and during them i am pushing him away so much and he is scared what will happen. I love him with all my heart and soul he means so much to me and i argue a lot with him cause i think he may break my heart again and i can not take anymore heart breaks it hurts me so much when it happens we always have a great and time i just don’t want to keep pushing him away and i don’t want to argue with him anymore we both don’t need it i need help please help me

A: Do you know the expression: “Waiting for the other shoe to drop”? It refers to the very human reaction when we hear one shoe dropping to the floor. We wait for the other one. We’re so sure there is another one that it makes us tense up when it doesn’t happen. Most people can’t stand it so they provoke the other person until they drop the other shoe. Whew! Now things are as they’re supposed to be.

I think you know that if you keep doing this you are going to create the situation you fear. Apparently, you have had some bad experiences that have convinced you that men always break your heart. You are so sure it’s going to happen this time too that you are provoking your boyfriend to make it happen.

Of course, I can’t guarantee for you that you’ve made the right choice this time either. At 16, it’s normal to go through a number of relationships while you figure out what kind of person is a “fit” for you. But you do have to give each person you date a chance or you won’t learn anything about yourself or about love.

You say you love this guy so it seems you’ve tried. You’ve probably tried reassuring yourself, talking to yourself out of your reaction, and asking your boyfriend to reassure and comfort you. Since none of that has worked, I’m going to suggest that you consider seeing a counselor for a few sessions to see if there is something more complicated going on than the usual insecurities of being a teen.

Another option is to call the counselors at the Girls and Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000. Counselors are there 24/7 to talk to young people who are struggling with all kinds of personal problems. If you’d like to find out more about them before you call, go to their website.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 9 Oct 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). I am pushing my boyfriend away. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/10/09/i-am-pushing-my-boyfriend-away/