Sexual Arousal Question

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a 100% straight 36 year old male, married to my wife 31 for 14 years. We are both straight, moderately attractive and successful. Early in marriage I was quite jealous of any men that would hit on my wife. I was quite insecure. The past 5 years however, I have been pushing my wife into having sex with other men. I have read about cuckolds on the net, and I am not like what I read. I am not bi-curious, and I do not want to be humilated or enjoy that. I simply get incredibly aroused thinking about my very sexy wife having sex and being open and wild with another man, particular while I watch or perhaps participate with her. Is this a disorder or something I need therapy for? Why does this fantasy fill my head whenever I have sex with her and get me incredibly aroused? My wife has agreed that she is ready to try this with a friend of ours and she is beginning to enjoy the thought of trying it. I am actually looking forward to it. Is something wrong with me?

A. Your desire to watch your wife have sex with another man may be considered taboo and unusual by traditional standards of sexuality. There are many married couples who engage in open relationships. These couples are free to have sex with other people. There are other relationships where a third party is brought in simply for the purpose of sex.

These types of relationships may not fit the conventional model but are nonetheless functional relationships. In our culture sexuality is often not discussed. We might all be surprised to find out the sexual details of our friends’ and neighbors’ relationships. There are sexual variations of all sorts. The question that we should ask ourselves is simply this: Is a couple’s sexual behavior harmful to themselves or their relationship? Most therapists would find any sexual behavior that was not harmful to be acceptable in a relationship. Obviously, we must consider only behaviors that harm no one. Any behavior that would be harmful to the couple or to any other individual would never be acceptable.

Your sexual fantasy of seeing your wife participating in sexual acts with another person is an arousing thought to you and recently your wife. The actual act may not be arousing or acceptable to either one of you. Fantasies often do not translate well into reality. Having said that, many pleasurable, stable parts of regular sexual behavior had their beginnings as fantasies. You and your wife may find involving a third party to be a very exciting part of your sexual relationship.

However, you may find it to be not at all pleasurable and deeply regret having gone forward. Your wife may blame you for having coerced her into being unfaithful. You might be angry with your wife for having given in to you. You might lose respect for her or she for you. I have listed only a few of the negative outcomes possible. On the other hand, you both may find it to be an exciting and important addition to your sex life. You need to weigh the options carefully and to be quite sure that there will be or is likely to be no negative outcomes.

If you were to proceed turning your fantasy into reality, you might break it down into smaller steps. For instance, she might simply go out for the evening with her possible suitor and have dinner or a drink. When she comes home, from what amounts to a fairly harmless encounter, you could both discuss your feelings and reactions. The next step could involve nothing more than a kiss. Again, you would then discuss how it has impacted the both of you. By keeping each step small, you could minimize any damage that would come from a negative encounter.

What you are suggesting is not common nor is it extremely uncommon. As I said earlier, there are many successful relationships that involve sexual variation. You could talk to a sex therapist and receive his or her feedback. I would suggest that you be careful, cautious and quite sure that both of you want this to happen before you allow it to happen.

I hope that I have been of assistance and if you have any other questions please do not hesitate to write again. Good luck.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Sep 2009

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2009). Sexual Arousal Question. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/09/26/sexual-arousal-question/