I gave up but did I do the right thing?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

( edited down from longer letter) I met a guy about 5 months ago. He was really nice and I continued talking to him. We went on a few dates and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We continued seeing and calling each other all the time. He ended up introducing my cousin to his best friend. So, we started going on double dates. We are all in our early 20′s.

My boyfriend wanted to join the military and marry me. We were going to get married in a courthouse, but we decided to take a road trip to Las Vegas and get married there. One night we packed our things and got in my car and started driving. We took the longer route not knowing the GPS on my cell phone didn’t work correctly. We got really tired driving and I decided to stop at my Uncle’s house on the way to Las Vegas to freshen up. My boyfriend and I got really comfortable and didn’t leave my Uncle’s place the next day to get back on the road. We ended up staying longer than we were supposed to. My boyfriend needed to get back home by the end of the week. So, we made a change of plans and he told me that we would just get married in the courthouse back home and he would introduce me to his family.

Meanwhile, back at home his best friend was very upset that we left and he told my family that he was going to cut us off the road.. He said that he didn’t want us to get married. He even called my boyfriend’s mother and had her worried sick.

A few weeks later he finally introduced me to his family. They were very nice and good to me.. Him and I were getting along great but he started changing his mind about getting married..He started text messaging and calling other girls in front of me at his house thinking that I didn’t know. Then I saw him looking at women on Craig’s list and communicating with them through email and by phone.

One day he called me and told me to come see him he was at the beach with his best friend and I told him that I had enough gas to get there but not enough gas to get back. He told me not to worry that he would take care of it. I drove 200miles from my house to get to the beach in the morning. When I arrived there he told me that he didn’t remember calling me that he was drunk. I was soo mad at him that I told him that there was no way I was going to leave. He said that he didn’t have any money and he was with his best friend and his best friend’s parents and he wasn’t going leave who he came with and said that I needed to go home. I was so devastated that I didn’t remember to ask him for gas money. I just got in my car and started driving. Then I got to the gas station and called him. He was yelling at me and telling me to beg someone for money. That I’m a pretty girl and he was sure someone would give me the money. I told him I wouldn’t do that and he said just be a beggar and be homeless. I couldn’t believe it.. I was in a state of shock.. He was not the same person that I remember meeting. I found one of my credit cards that had a small balance and I used it to get home. I told my mom what happened and she couldn’t believe it either. His mother continued to call me to not leave her son that she will talk to him and try to get us together next week.

So, he called me during the week very aggravated and with a very short temper. Then he started to tell me that he was sorry. He kept asking me what I was doing and where I was going. Then his mother kept calling me on Friday begging me to go to their house to go out with him and his family. I told my mom about It and she told me that I was a stupid fool to go back there and If I did she would pack her things and leave and throw all my stuff out in the yard. She was cursing at me and yelling at me. She made me soo mad that I ended up leaving. On the way there my Uncle called me and told me that he would never speak to me again if I went back..

My boyfriend’s grandmother said that men like to tell a women that she is crazy until she believes she is crazy so the man can take her money. My boyfriend said that he was trying to do that to me.
In the car he continued to tell me that I was crazy over and over again. When we got back to his house I told him and his family that my mom kicked me out of the house. He got soo upset and said it was too late that too many people were in our business. Then he started to be mean to me again. He would insult me in front of his family and friends. His grandmother told me that her grandson was going to continue hurting me that I need to stop seeing him. . . .

I did everything I could to help that guy. I helped him with his resume. I helped him find a job. I cooked and cleaned for him. I ironed his shirts. I helped his brother with his homework. I let him borrow money. I never cheated on him I was very honest with him. I did everything that I possibly could to make it work.

I just decided to stop talking to him and I walked away from the whole thing. Do you think I made the right decision?

A: This all happened in only 5 months??!! Goodness, girl. What’s your hurry to get married? You barely knew the guy before taking off for Vegas. The best thing that ever happened to you is that wedding being called off. Neither you nor your boyfriend is ready for a trip down the aisle. From what you told me, you are way, way too accommodating. And your boyfriend isn’t at all sure that he wants to settle down at all, never mind settle down with you. Making a committed marriage with him is like clapping with one hand. It’s not going to happen.

Giving up on him is only smart. Smarter still would be to get some therapy for yourself to discover why it is that you are willing to put up with so much when you get so little. A therapist will help you develop a better sense of what you want in a relationship and how to find it without compromising yourself so much.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Sep 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). I gave up but did I do the right thing?. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 29, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/09/24/i-gave-up-but-did-i-do-the-right-thing/