All I want to do is trust him

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years – since I was 15. My dad left when i was 14 and i had to move to a new town. I met my bf and he took all my pain away. I dated guys before him and i couldnt trust them i was so insecure cuz my dad cheated on my mom. Then my bf made me trust again. I was so happy, then he made out with another girl when he was drunk. This was only a couple months into our relationship but i lost all trust for him, he lied about it and i didnt find out till months later. The girl denied them doing anything she just said they hung out. I didn’t belive either of them but i love him so i let it go. Then i got into with her months later and she admitted it. It hurt so bad to think the only guy i trusted after my dad did that. I want to trust him again and he just expects me to forget it. I cant even talk about what happened cuz hes embarraced. I know he loves me, he has proved it, but i just cant let it go. I hate the feeling, when he tells me he is going somewhere i freak out and i hate it. Its eating my insides away. I know he loves me and i love him, i want to be with him forever. How do i trust him again? Thats all i want.

A: Your boyfriend probably was not ready to make the kind of commitment you were looking for when he was only 15. As you are already painfully aware, this relationship can’t last if you can’t settle down. Your boyfriend won’t be able to put up with being under constant scrutiny. And you won’t be able to relax into the relationship if you are always on guard. Both positions are exhausting.

It’s very, very sad that your dad left both you and your mom. It’s completely understandable that you have some issues with trust. But it isn’t fair to make your boyfriend responsible for fixing your insecurity. It’s not possible for him to resolve your anger and disappointment in your dad. Those feelings belong with your dad. You have some important personal work to do before you are emotionally solid enough to enter into a forever relationship.

I suggest that you consider some therapy to help you get some closure on your dad’s betrayal and to gain more confidence in yourself and in relationships in general. Concentrate on your own issues. The problem with emotional risks – like loving and trusting – is that they are risky. We have to feel strong enough in ourselves before we can take the leap.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Sep 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). All I want to do is trust him. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/09/24/all-i-want-to-do-it-trust-him/