I have times of intense depression. Curled up in a ball crying not wanting to interact. I don’t go out much, though i long to, cause I hate being alone, but often fear there is no one that would be willing. I don’t call people unless they call me.
I get hyper almost philosophical after the episodes. They occur very often. usually at night, unless there is a stimulus during the day. I just lost my best friend because he thinks I’m too negative to him. I lash out and am irritable if I feel hurt. I will say the cruliest things to make someone feel how I do. I have physically harmed myself in the past. I will drink until I feel sick, and I will eat more than that. I had a pill addiction about a year ago. I’m addicted to smoking, I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. my father was abusive as a child. neglectful, never was very proud. I feel abandoned alot, left to rot. I wish serious illness on myself often, because i can’t kill myself. I’m hostile and argumentative. I love making others weak. I have a high sex drive, practices in unsafe sex is frequent occurance. I believe everyone is laughing at me behind my back. And I feel empty. Like I can’t fix this anymore. If you need more info let me know. Thanks
A. You’ve described some of the symptoms associated with borderline personality disorder, but I could never know if that was your diagnosis based on a short letter. To be diagnosed properly, you would have to be evaluated in person by a professional trained to offer mental health diagnoses.
You have written about many issues. The main theme of your letter is that you are experiencing deep psychological pain. You feel empty. To fill the void and to actually feel something, you engage in activities such as smoking, substance abuse, excessive eating, and having sex. These activities make you feel something and it’s probably a good feeling. The problem is that feeling is short-lived.
In addition, those behaviors are self-destructive. They may make you feel better in the short term, but over time, you will likely have to engage in these activities for longer periods of time to gain the same effect. For instance, you may have to consume more drugs to feel the same high. Unfortunately, if you continue down this path, it may lead to self-destruction.
Two things are clear from your letter. You feel a void and you’re engaging in harmful activities to fill this void. Why you feel the void is less clear. I strongly recommend that you consider therapy. In therapy, you can explore why you’re engaging in self-destructive behaviors. You can also learn a new set of healthy behaviors.
Please know that other people have experienced very similar problems and have been helped by therapy. You’re methods for helping yourself are ineffective. I hope you will consider seeking professional mental health assistance. If you’d like to search for therapist in your area please consult this directory.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Sep 2009
Randle, K. (2009). Negative Personal Experiences. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/09/23/negative-personal-experiences/