suicidal & completely alone now

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

hi,
I’m 16. i’ve been through a lot in my life. i’ve been in and out of the hospital for a heart condition, shocked 4 times by my defibrillator, burglarized, verbally bullied, watched my friend die of an overdose and even molested by my father at age 10. i’ve also been struggling with bulimia for about a year and a half. it’s to the point of where it’s compulsive and my throat is sore and raw.

i’ve been in and out of the hospitals for wanting to kill myself and i’m in a psychiatrists care. i’m on pills, and in therapy. i thought what i was doing would help but i’m getting nowhere and the only reason i’m still alive is because of my mom. i love her dearly and the guilt would be tremendous.

i have depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and insomnia. my mother still talks to my dad about anything and she knows he molested me. she tells me she believes me and at first i was happy to hear that, but actions speak louder than words and i can tell that she doesn’t really believe me. she talks to him as if nothing happened, there is no emotion from her.

i was arguing with her about that last night and how lonely i felt when she said, “you know i still have to talk to him for the finances and we’re always going to be talking and it’s not like he raped you!” i felt this emptiness. it was like the only person i had is gone now. i can’t believe she said that. it’s like she completely disregarded what i went through. i didn’t yell or anything. i just said, you’ll never understand what i’m going through” then i left and went to my room to cry for the night. i don’t have anyone anymore. i have my friends and the therapist,

but none of that matters if i don’t have my mother. i’ve been wanting to kill myself since i was 10 and he touched me. the only reason i didn’t is because of my mother and now i feel that i don’t have any reasons and it’s my time to go. i’m not extremely depressed at the moment. i’m just utterly lonely and feel that is the only way out of this miserable existence. all i have felt in my life is pain.! i want it to stop.

i didn’t know where else to go and i’d like another opinion. i’m scared that the is the only answer and i always said i just want to be fixed, but i know now, i can’t be fixed. i don’t know what to do with myself and i don’t think i can live with myself.

A: You certainly have been through a lot! With some good help, you’ve been dealing. But you are now feeling betrayed by the mom who has been a major source of support.

I’m going to ask you to give her another chance. Please remember that everything you’ve been through, she has been through too. Moms who love their children suffer when their children suffer. At this point, she may be as emotionally exhausted as you are. She may not be able to take in the full extent of what happened to you and still keep on keeping on.

I hope you will consider asking your therapist to invite your mother in to some of your sessions so you can explain again what happened. With the therapist there to give her – and you – some support, she may be in a better position to hear you. The two of you can then talk about what you need from her during this difficult time.

Please let your therapist help you both heal. This has been a terrible six years! I’m sure you and your mom want to do everything possible to put all the pain behind you so you can enjoy life and each other again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Aug 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). suicidal & completely alone now. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/08/07/suicidal-completely-alone-now/