I have been with the father of my daughter for three and a half years. He and the female I don’t trust him with do not understand why. When we started dating we built a frienship before we started having relations. It was over a year before these two told me that they had dated shortly. They keep saying that nothing happened but when they keep this from me for so long and slowly over time tell me went on of course i’m going to believe that they lied.

I do not trust them because they lied to me before and now they text talk and meet in secret. They do this when I am asleep. That is what makes it nearly impossible give the benefit of the doubt.

He says no to me when I realy need help like getting food for us when we are hungry and he gives her rides when she has her own functional vehicle. When he knows he will see her he grooms himself for about two hours. He doesn’t mind not doing so for me for long periods of time. Now they work together. I don’t get why He feels like he needs to shower before work when he should when he gets back because he gets back smelling like fish and crab.

When I leave he calls her if he can’t text her. When he texts her on MY PHONE he erases the messages. He calls her “M.I.L.F”

For some amazing reason he sees nothing wrong with it and neither does she. He follows her around like a lost puppy and is a huge listener when she has a problem, but when I had an infection that made me completely miserable he did nothing to help me not even listen and hold me all he did was yell at me and say it was my fault.

When I had our daughter he stayed for a couple hours then went home and hung out with her. When she had a baby he stayed with her all day. When this woman and I have words she calls him and complains and when they are done talkin he calls or goes to where I am and gives me a huge attitude.

They both call me names like crazy, psycho, and so on when I confront them with this. If there is nothing going on they shouldn’t be getting mad. The best part is when this woman’s man is at work, he didn’t even get told. she let my man stay at her place when him and I had an argument about him going out to drink when they both become loose when alcohol is in their system.

The thing is he won’t even go dancing or into public with me anymore. But he will for her. What I need to know is am I being irrational to how close thier relationship is, and what can I do to fix this when I talked to both of them many times with different approaches?

A: I’m guessing that the reason you put up with all of this is that you still love your bf and you are concerned about what breaking up would mean for your little girl. Those are powerful reasons. But your story makes me very, very concerned for you – especially when you tell me that he is willing to let you and your child be hungry while he spends time with his lady friend.

All the signs point to your bf being more interested in being with the other woman than in making a family with you. You may be distracting yourself by thinking about whether you can trust him instead of confronting the very real and probably scary possibility that you may end up being a single parent, needing to take care of yourself and your daughter on your own.

Every day that goes by, your daughter is taking in the idea that what she observes in your relationship is the best she can she can expect from a partner someday. An important question to ask yourself is whether this is the role model you want her to have.

You were only 17 when you got together with your bf. It could be that you would choose differently now. But if you both want to make a go of it, I hope you can get him into couples therapy with you so he can learn how to be a faithful husband and loving father who provides for his family first. If he wants out, I hope you will give yourself the gift of seeing a therapist to help you build up your self-esteem. You deserve to have a partner who gives you (and your daughter) love and loyalty and who wants to be only with you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 28 Jul 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Bf doesn’t understand why she doesn’t trust him. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/07/28/bf-doesnt-understand-why-she-doesnt-trust-him/