How do I stop wasting my life?
I am a 16 year old boy, I suffer from serious depression and have been for a long time. And im really tired of not having friends or anyone to talk to. Ive been cutting for a long time, i dont do it much anymore because they check and i dont want to go back to the hospital again. And i have a lot of suicidal thoughts. Stuff like bleeding to death in a bath tub, hanging myself, jumping off a building, sticking a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Ive attempted before, i got caught. I havn’t in a while. And the ONLY reason i wont now is because i am a christian and i dont want to ruin my relationship with god by commiting suicide, that is the only thing that stops me.
I cant talk to my parents. They will get mad just like they did when they found out all my stuff, call me names, say im pathetic and worthless and stupid. And i dont want to hear it so i am not going to talk to them. Plus they are violent and have serious angermanagement problems. Even the doctor told me that my mother needed to be in the hospital and had extremely serious mental disorders. My father is suicidal, which i find funny because he said i was pathetic for cutting and stuff but he’s suicidal. And he has anger problems.
My sister is just every where, new boyfriend, drugs, drinking. So that isnt an option, i was once offered to maybe be taken in by cps, that didnt happen and i really wish it did, i cant stand my parents.
I really want friends, i have a few but im more like there friend on the side if they need me, so i see them like maybe once a month, MAYBE. Besides them i dont do anything, i try to make friends, but its like everyone looks away. I am nice, and i am humble and i try really hard but its not working. Like when i talk to someone or say something most of the time they wont respond or they will turn and talk to someone else, and its embarassing. I have really bad mood swings, ive been in really bad relationships. My last girlfriend of two years left me for someone she knew for a week. And ive been i!n like 7 other year long relationships.
I am so lonely, i have no one to talk to, i dont want to go back to the hospital, i am always depressed, bored, lost, and confused. I really want friends more than anything, i want them so bad. And i know my family wont ever change, so i just ignore them. I mean i make good grades and do well in school so i might have a future. But whats the point of a future when its a future with no people, no friends or family.
I really dont know what to do or where to go, I want to move schools to start over but my dad wont let me. Church is the same way, those kids are cruel, and its church. I dont know where else to go to meet people. All i got is my music, i do love that, i play guitar and listen and listen all day to music. Well most of the day at least, i feel like death is the only way to stop this boring waste of a life.
A: I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain. And I’m doubly sorry that you are one of the many people in the world who doesn’t feel he can turn to his parents for the help and comfort you need. But you’ve also told me that you are smart, sensitive, artistic, and thoughtful. Those are ingredients you can use to help yourself make a better life.
It’s tough that your family can’t help. Not everyone gets the family they deserve. The good news is that you’re not a little kid any more. You’re not totally dependent on your parents. You are free to find adult friends who can mentor you and be the kind of family you long for.
The best way to find such people – and to make friends – is to take the focus off the relationship. Think about something you would really enjoy doing or at least that you would feel is a worthwhile way to spend your time. This can be a sport, a hobby, or volunteer work or even a job. Maybe you can do something with your music. (Have you ever thought of learning how to DJ, for example?) Get involved. Contribute. Show interest in what other people are doing. Focus on learning about people and listening to what they have to say. Let relationships unfold naturally. Have faith that they will if you do your part by being involved in the activity and by being genuinely interested in the people.
This will be challenging at first and you could use some help. You didn’t mention whether the hospital referred you to a therapist for followup. If they did, I hope you do make contact and start working one to one with a counselor who can be in your corner. Please also keep this phone number on you: 1-800-273-TALK. That’s the number of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Counselors are available 24/7 to talk with you if you feel upset and suicidal. You can also check them out at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
You have lots going for you: You’re smart and sensitive. Your good grades make college a possibility in only a couple of years. You love music and have the discipline to learn to play the guitar. You do want to be social. All these things are important strengths and shouldn’t be wasted by doing away with yourself. With some support from a counselor and some positive action on your part, I’m pretty sure you can make your life much, much better.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). How do I stop wasting my life?. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 4, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/07/07/how-do-i-stop-wasting-my-life/