Was This Marriage Necessary?

By Diana L. Walcutt, Ph.D.

Please I need a professional reply in this matter. I am married for 2 years.I have a 14 month old baby. This marriage was settled by my parents. They chose the girl and I agreed. Before marriage I had some psychological problems. I was studying Masters in IT in Dhaka, Bangladesh in 2007.

Both my parents were abroad in Saudi Arabia. I was in dhaka with my younger brother. There was a lot of pressure of courses. There was also the challenge of making a good result set by my father. I also felt loneliness. I could not handle the pressure. I was partly responsible since I was irregular in my studies and wasted my time in games etc.

During my exam in february,2007 I became arrogant, misbehaving, used to break things out of anger,used to brag and give foul lectures, became proudy and felt all knowing. I hardly slept 3 to 4 hours a day and took food irregularly. There was also a feeling that everyone around is observing me and criticising me. My friends noticed the change and took me to a psychologist.

I failed in two subjects. In disgrace and humiliation my condition deteriorated. I had palpitition and could not sleep at night. My mother returned in March. She took me to the same psychologist. He prescribed some medicines for three months and suggested my mother to arrange a marriage for me. He also asked to put me in complete relaxation. He told that if I get a friend such as a wife my condition will improve.

In the next two months, my condition improved. I was married in June, 2007 with the expense of my father.
Both I and my wife were unaware at that time that the intention of my parents was to improve my mental health. Although I told my wife that I was mentally sick before marriage, she took me as a normal person as my condition was lot better. By the end of July, I became completely well. I love my wife and she loves me dearly and she is happy with me.

I am also happy but still there is a feeling that disturbs me that I don’t worth all of these. Once my father was angry with me for a certain matter and told me that I don’t worth any girl, had they not arranged the marriage for me I could not marry anyone by myself. This came as a shock for me. Ever since I cannot comfortably enjoy my family life. My father holds me responsible for the mental illness I suffered.

I have all the rights but I feel them granted, like I don’t deserve them! I am in debt for all of these to my parents! All my pleasures of my family life are permitted, not personal!

I make love with my wife, I adore my kids, still I feel the lack of personal freedom and right in it. Was a marriage absolutely necessary for my cure of mental illness? Could it be healed through medicines and other therapy? How much responsible was I for my mental illness?

A: Hello and thank you for your question:

I must confess, I don’t know a lot about your culture, only what my patients from your country have told me. I do know that mental health is looked upon as a weakness, but here in America, we have done a lot of research that has proven that it is NOT a weakness, but a real chemical problem.

It is NOT true that you don’t deserve your wife and children. It is also NOT true that your illness is your fault. However, it could be true that you were very stressed and staying up too many hours studying that you became exhausted. If you were drinking a lot of coffee and playing video games as well, that will make you lose sleep, become agitated and very difficult to live with. You can have a physical collapse, which will affect your mental health.

Your doctor may have been right in recommending that you get married. It may not have “cured” your mental illness, but you certainly did get a lot better, didn’t you? It would seem that not only did you get your health back, but got a wonderful family in the process. 

Be thankful for your loving family. Your parents obviously wanted what was best for you.

Was the marriage necessary? Maybe not, but with all honesty, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about how your life changed for the better.  Be happy with what you have been blessed with. You are a fortunate man.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Jul 2009

APA Reference
Walcutt, D. (2009). Was This Marriage Necessary?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/07/01/was-this-marriage-necessary/

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