I have been dating a young man off an on since Sept.of 2008.  He is 36 and I am 29.  I know I am stupid for giving him so many chances.  However, I need help in understanding why he disappears on me.  When we started dating in September 2008, things were great. 

Then all of a sudden in October he disappears with no explanation. Note:  While we dated for that month we engaged in sexual activity.  After I performed fellatio, I became ill, however I didn’t think that it was from him. I came down with the worse sore throat of my life. So, when he disappeared I became more ill and went to the doctor and they just said because it was Winter Time, I had a very bad cold and told me to take cold medicine.  My cold got worse and I developed a sinus infection, chest cold and my joints began to ache. 

I was convinced I had caught an STD from him since he disappeared with no explanation at all.  I was very depressed for awhile thinking I had ruined my life by meeting him and engaging in sex with him.  Well finally I decided that I would give him a call and ask him about his STD status, because I got sick right after we engaged in oral sex. He told me that he was clean, so I asked him when was the last time he got tested, he told me last year.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I was sick for three months straight and no doctors could tell me what was wrong.

My tests all came back negative. I did meet someone with in a month’s time of him disappearing on me by the way.  So when I did call him to ask about his STD status I was dating someone, but was using protection with him. 

Well the guy that disappeared on me, decides to continue contact with me and end up becoming friends again.  Well I finally get to ask him why he disappeared.  He explained that someone he used to date came back into the picture and they tried to work things out.  I asked him why couldn’t he be honest.  He said he didn’t know how to say anything me. 

Well to make a long story short my new relationship ended and the disappearing act guy’s relationship ended and we began dating again for about a month.  Well things were going great again and then the ex comes back and he calls me and tells me that they are going to try to work things out.  So he left me again, but this time he told me why.  He left me for the same girl. 

So I was heartbroken again, but felt like he was honest this time, so I moved on.  A month later he comes back and asks if I hated him, I told him no and we began slowly dating again.   Well things were even better,I got introduced to his family and well in two weeks we decide to engage in sexual activity, fellatio.  I end up getting a sore throat again within two days. I had to go to the ER, because I had white stuff in the back of my throat and couldn’t swallow.  Doctor’s said it was a throat infection.  It was not an STD. 

So I asked the doctor why this happened each time during fellatio, and the doctor stated that he needed to wash before I performed that act and that it was bacteria from his genital area that was causing the throat infection. I was so relieved to know that was the issue all this time.  So when disappearing guy calls me three days later, I tell him that I was in the ER because of a throat infection.  He freaks out immediately and say I don’t like this at all.  Everytime we do oral sex, you get sick.  Your immune system is weak.  The wind blows and you get sick.  We must not be compatible if you get sick all the time. 

So I was surprised that he wasn’t more sensitive or compassionate.  He was not willing to help me figure out what happened. All he says is he doesn’t like this.  I told him that I wasn’t sure that it was from him and that I could have caught this from anyone, because its contagious.  It was pretty much strep throat.  He just said he didn’t like it.  So I asked him if he was going to act funny.  He said no we are cool.  Well the next day I text him to see how he was doing and he doesn’t respond.  Later that night I call his cell and his house phone and he does not respond.  I never hear back from him.

So I try to call him again the next day and he doesn’t pick up his house phone or cell.  I actually had a girlfriend call his house within 20 minutes of me calling and he actually picked up his phone.  He has never called me back since Tuesday of this week.  Why did he disappear on me?  What did I do wrong?  I was the one that got sick and I am pretty sure its from him.  He has just completely cut me off?  Should I try to call again of just leave it alone.  I am so hurt that he disappeared and didn’t even call to check and see how I was doing after I told him I got sick.  What happened?

A: Hello and thank you for your question:

I’m very sorry that this man keeps hurting you over and over. Bottom line, he isn’t treating you the way that you deserve. It certainly sounds like you are getting strep throat from him, and that can be dangerous. For him to keep disappearing, dodging you, then freaking out when you tell him that you are sick, sounds very abusive.

My guess is that you keep taking him back because you think you need him. But, bottom line, you don’t. He’s not good enough for you, or he would be concerned, caring and help you understand what is going on, rather than trotting back and forth between you and this girl. It sounds like he’s stringing both of you along. You certainly don’t deserve that.

You may love him, but he isn’t acting like he loves you. The best thing you can do is move on. He’s abusive and it doesn’t sound like he respects you.  Find someone who does. There are plenty of “good guys” out there who will take better care of your relationship.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Jul 2009

APA Reference
Walcutt, D. (2009). Lover Disappears After I Become Sick From Sexual Relations. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/07/01/lover-disappears-after-i-become-sick-from-sexual-relations/

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