What’s Wrong with My Boyfriend?

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

. My boyfriend finds no happiness anymore. I am a 31 year old female who has been going out with my boyfriend for almost 11 months. During those months, we have had many special times together. We are very similar to each other and are very laid-back and just enjoy what life has to offer to us.

Recently, my boyfriend has been very confused and unhappy about a lot of things in his life. We had a talk 2 nights ago and he said that our spark has left and that he hasn’t been happy lately. He also said that he is becoming complacent with our relationship and doesn’t want to take me for granted.
Now, he is balancing a lot right now. He works full-time and is also in 2 theatrical plays, so his schedule leaves no free time whatsoever. When we do see each other, it is at 11PM at night and he usually sleeps over. So, we haven’t gone out to dinner, gone to a show, a movie since mid May. I’ve been doing my best to stay patient here and have been making him late night dinners and what ever I can to ease his stress.

He is on an anti-anxiety medicine called Silenca I believe for the last 2 weeks or so.

He also has told me that he naturally is a loner and doesn’t like people telling him what to do or have many obligations, so he is just dealing with everything at once. His boss is always on his case and has has lost any joy out of acting right now. He also mentioned that he is dealing with becoming a more mature man.

I have decided to not see him for several days to give him space and told him that he doesn’t have to call me everyday, since that might make him feel like another obligation for him.

He told me that I’m the only girl for him and that he is just asking for my patience through this. I told him that he should go see a psychologist to help him sort all of these things out.

Is there anything else I can do? What is going on with him right now?

A. It is difficult to know what may be going on with your boyfriend. My first thought based on what he has said about not wanting to take you for granted, telling you he is naturally a loner and that he doesn’t like people telling him what to do, leads me to believe he is attempting to politely break up with you. Some people feel guilty about wanting to end a relationship and use these types of excuses as a nice and gentle way to break it off.

Part of it may be that he is experiencing some type of psychological struggle and he’s not emotionally available to be in a relationship at this time.

He mentioned something about dealing with becoming a “mature man.” It’s not clear what this means. You may want to inquire further about what is meant by that expression.

You also said that he is taking anti-anxiety medication. It may be important to know exactly why he was prescribed that medicine.

At this point in time I don’t think there’s anything else you can do. You’ve given him space. You’re being very patient with him and you’ve suggested that he seek treatment. It seems you’ve done everything you could have given the situation.

The only thing I would add is that it’s important to be realistic about the possibility that he is stringing you along. As mentioned above he seems to have many possible excuses about why he is unable to be in a relationship at this time. This may be his way to spare your feelings because he feels guilty about wanting to end the relationship. The opposite also may be true. He may be experiencing personal difficulties and he finds it difficult to be in a relationship while simultaneously trying to deal with his issues.

I think only time will tell. Give him space and be patient as you have done, but don’t wait forever. Thank you for your question.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Jun 2009

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2009). What’s Wrong with My Boyfriend?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/06/29/whats-wrong-with-my-boyfriend/