Sometimes I Can Barely Stop From Killing Myself
Several months ago I was fully prepared to kill myself. I had only a few things left to do prior to commiting suicide. At this time I went out one night with some friends. One of my friends and his girlfriend had a fight and me and her ended up going home together. Me and this girl started spending alot of time together, started dating, and very quickly fell in love. I had no more feelings of suicide or depression. The two of us were very happy together, but she had many issues of her own and ended up leaving me because she felt she needed to work through them on her own. While we were not tecnically dating I still went to see her when I had time off (she has moved to her home town for the summer), we still told each other that we loved one another, and when we were together we still were just like a couple.
Recently we have been fighting over the fact that I cannot be physically with her enough as a result of my job. She told me two weeks ago that she is going back to her ex, he is dieing of cancer and she needs to be with him and loves him. I have also since found out that she was cheating on me with him, and possibly another man. Her and my now former friend have now gotten engaged.
Since that time the feelings of suicide have returned. Generally they have to deal with a memory or talking to my ex. But sometimes they are related to nothing, I just get a strong feeling that drives me to want to kill myself.
The diffrence is that before I wanted to die, now I don’t. Though sometimes its all I can do to stop from killing myself, and I’m worried that one day I wont be able to stop myself. I dont want to leave her with the guilt of thinking I killed myself over her. Also with my death would be the end of any future between me and her.
I dont like going to psychcologists and I’m not sure what to do, or where to turn to get help. Like I said I dont want to die anymore, but Im not convinced that I am always going to be able to stop.
Hello and thanks for your question:
You know, killing yourself may seem like a quick fix to what is a temporary problem. More young adult males die from suicide than any other cause, and it’s often over some girl and often involves drugs or alcohol. The truth is, there are very few reasons for killing yourself, and fewer people who are worth dying for.
While I understand that you don’t like going to psychologists, it doesn’t sound like you have been able to fix this problem on your own. You may benefit from a few sessions with one, especially if you are sincere about not wanting to die. They won’t “lock you up” or put you away just because you think about dying.
A good therapist will understand that nearly everyone has thoughts of suicide from time to time, but that doesn’t mean that they will act on them. You might also benefit from some antidepressants. I know that people are often afraid of medications, that they don’t want to become “dependent” on them, but the truth is, if you had a broken leg, you would probably get it fixed, right? That’s a medical problem, but so is depression. It’s often a chemical imbalance that can be “fixed” with some medications.
If you don’t get help, you might have a downswing in your mood one day and get back into thinking that killing yourself is a good idea. I hope you don’t. Again, it’s a quick solution to what is often very temporary.
Please, get some help. The Internet doesn’t have all the answers, especially to questions like yours. You have been hurting. Talk to someone who can help.
I hope this helps,
Dr. Diana Walcui
Walcutt, D. (2009). Sometimes I Can Barely Stop From Killing Myself. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 19, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/06/25/sometimes-i-can-barely-stop-from-killing-myself/