I met my friend seven years ago and six months after we started dating. The romantic relationship lasted a year. We were fairly serious (engaged) but I ended the relationship because i didn’t think we were compatible. We remained Platonic friends for the next 5 years.
He did not have any serious relationship during this time and expressed a desire to get back together, but not within the last year of our friendship. during this time I have had one four year relationship, which ended, and I am currently in a one year relationship with a man I live with. My friend was also friends with the man I am seeing now (through me).
My friend met a new girl who he had previously dated for 2 years 10 years ago. They reunited and started dating. He told her about our friendship, and that we used to date and are only friends now, and that we have been only friends for five years. She said this made her uncomfortable, but he continued to “hang out” with me. He suggested to her that she and I meet or go on a double date, but she refused to meet me and my boyfriend, saying she wasn’t ready.as they became more serious (they’ve been together 7 months)
She gave him an ultimatum to stop being my friend, 4 months into their reltionship. He explained this to me and has ignored my emails/calls. He has not contacted me in anyway, except once to tell me that “he doesn’t know what to do” that he’ll “never meet anyone like me again” but that he “loves her” he agrees that she is being unfair, but chooses her. I don’t know what I should do, but I miss my best friend a lot. we were very close.Should I stop trying to contact him?
A: Hello, and thanks for your question.
It sounds like you are hurting from this whole thing, and that he means more to you than you thought. Unfortunately, your friend’s new girlfriend has figured out something that’s pretty common—that it’s extremely hard for men and women to just be friends. She feels threatened by you and the relationship you had with him.
It also sounds like this girlfriend is important to him, or he wouldn’t have cut you off. Seven months is really not very long in a relationship and if it is to survive, he probably should avoid spending time with you. That is very painful, but most relationships never make it past the honeymoon phase and that’s about 2 years.
If his relationship lasts through this period and beyond, he might be able to pick up the friendship where the two of you left off, but in all fairness, he has left it completely up to her to decide. As you said, he chose her to be his girlfriend so he has to remain true to her.
If you continue to try contacting him, you will likely only alienate him further. Respect his boundaries and his wishes if you truly care for him. Let him have some space. He certainly won’t forget you.
Best of luck,
Dr. Diana Walcutt
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Jun 2009
Walcutt, D. (2009). My Longtime Friend Is Ending Our Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 12, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/06/02/my-longtime-friend-is-ending-our-relationship/