I’m Out Of Touch With My True Self
I feel lost. I’m not the person I once was, if you saw me a couple years from now I was the most heartwarming, sweet person you could ever meet. The past couple years I’ve been hurt very terribly. I’ve had 3 boyfriends, and each one lasted for quite a bit some time – one last over a year.
They all promised that they’ll be their for eternity, and I’m the type of person to grow very close to someone once I open up to them. My first relationship was the guy I dated for over a year it was an on and off type of thing, and I grew so close to him I could share any emberrasing detail. He always hurt my feelings and came in and out of my life as he pleased, considering I loved him so much I allowed him to do so. I don’t get that much love at home, as much as I try to bond with my family I’m always getting pushed away or yelled at.
I’m a 4.0 student, have a huge heart – I don’t see what a parent could ask for more of. Anyway, I was really stressed out from the relationship with that current guy and my parents as well – that I overdoased on medication and had to go to the hospital (this was about 2-3 years ago) Why did I let myself do that, I have so many goals/plans for myself to be a successfull person in life (dream is to be a psychologist) and I all of a sudden just crashed. I feel like I have so much positive energy in me that I wish could be expressed into my life – but I feel as if it’s being blocked.
The next boyfriend (number 2) cheated on me. I was so happy and gave him my heart and it got crushed once again. The boyfriend after him (number 3) left me because I couldn’t open up to him, and because I wouldn’t give him any of his sexual needs. All of this brings me to my problem….
Over the past year or so, I’ve learned to ignore love – and start loving myself. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t open myself up to anybody – because I have such a huge fear that I’ll get hurt. When I open up to someone I start to get an attachment feeling – and that person ends up leaving. I can’t deal with people whom I’m close to, to leave my life. I’ve become very overprotective on my feelings/heart and wont let anybody in. Some guys even tell me that I keep to myself to much, and I’m afraid this will ruin a chance to be in a good relationship with a “good” guy (if their is one out their). I feel as if maybe I’ve become self-centered because I’ve learned that’s how the society is today. Where did my caring feelings go? I’ve drifted so far away from my true self – and I’ve realized ignoring problems only got me into a deep hole. I just wish for a normal life, I feel as if I’m so out of place, and don’t have myself in order…
A: Hello and thanks for your question:
It does sound like you’ve been terribly hurt, but it also sounds like you are taking some time to heal. You may not like to hear this but you’re still very young, and boys your age don’t start to mature until they are at least college-aged. Many don’t mature until long after that, either.
What I would suggest is that you find a therapist in your area who can help you with these issues. A suicide attempt is extremely serious and unfortunately, people often end up with much bigger problems after an overdose.
No one is worth dying for, especially if you have the dream of becoming a psychologist, or some other professional. Are these guys really worth the harm you could do to yourself?
Find a therapist, take some time to recover, and be careful about who you open up to. Finally, be very careful who you decide to have sex with. Most guys your age only want sex and once they get it, they split. Trust me, they aren’t worth it.
Check out therapists in your area at Psychology Today.
Best of luck,
Dr. Diana Walcutt
Walcutt, D. (2009). I’m Out Of Touch With My True Self. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/06/02/im-out-of-touch-with-my-true-self/