Jealousy and Anger

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Me and my husband have been together for 2years and half..But the past months we have been fighting constantly, and I know it’s all because of me..My husband told me he had joined the strip-clubs before he meet me with his friends..Since then,I feel like he is one of those dirty man who paid to see dirt naked women.

I have no happiness inside of me anymore,I feel like he saw it all,and I have nothing new for him..And with that all the anger and jealousy comes around..I know he went there while he was single,but it still affects me..I know he loves but I can’t control myself, I even feel jealous for him looking at other girls on tv,specially if they are showing their body..Walking in the streets, I can’t stop looking at him to see where is he looking..I feel tired of that,I want to be confident,and stand up for life..I tried to change but I can’t anymore..I have so much anger inside of me..I thought about killing myself before,because I don’t feel happy and loved,I feel like I am the ugliest woman in the world..But yet,my husband still loving me,still beside me, asking me to find help..He believes on me,but I am always disappoiting him..I feel so bad,I can’t stop been so jealous,and unhappy,he is so tired of my complaints about other women..We both want to be together but I am making him to run away..What can I do to make things better?How can I stop been like that??I am so desperated,please help me to save my relatioship..How do I start..
Thank you so much for reading and responding to my email!

A. Jealousy is bad for any relationship. It is unpleasant, anxiety and anger producing and at times, embarrassing. If you continue to let the jealousy and anger fester it has the potential to seriously damage your marriage. It is good that you are amenable to taking steps to correct the problem. That is very encouraging and it’s a good place to start.

It’s not fair to be angry at your husband for activities he engaged in during a time when he did not know you. His history should not be a factor in your current relationship. What he did before he knew you is history and it should stay that way. History cannot be changed. Most people would probably change many things about their past if they could but they can’t. They must accept that fact and move on. It is the reality of the situation.

You’re particularly upset about the fact that he saw semi-nude or naked women dance at the strip club. Apparently you are comparing yourself to girls at the strip club and coming to the conclusion that because he has seen them naked they are better-looking than you and thus you are inferior to them. This is jealousy. This is you not feeling good about yourself or your body.

These feelings of inferiority are emanating from you. They have little to do with your husband. Your husband did not make you feel this way; you felt this way on your own when you heard about the strip club.

If your self-esteem and self-confidence are low or nonexistent and you are aware that it’s negatively impacting your marriage then you need to find a way to correct this problem. As you mentioned, you are the one feeling unloved and unhappy. Your husband does not seem to feel that way about you.

Therapy can help you to change your thinking as well as change your behavior. If you do not want to try therapy you could also try self-analysis.

Self-analysis would start with you being objective about your situation. Here are the facts as I see it: you have a husband who loves you and in your words, “believes in you.” He seems to be acting in a manner consistent with a husband who is devoted to his wife. You did not say that he spent time surfing the net for pornography or going to strip clubs. He went once to a strip club and if you asked him, he would probably say that it was a non-event in his life.

The goal of self-analysis is to be able clearly and accurately assess the situation and to think through how you could correct the problem. It requires that logic, and not emotions, leads to an understanding of the situation. If you are having difficulty with self-analysis and feel you need an outside, objective opinion, consider seeing a therapist. It could save the relationship as well as your self-esteem.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Jun 2009

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2009). Jealousy and Anger. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/06/01/jealousy-and-anger/

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