Jealousy Issues

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I have been dating this guy for two years and half now. Everything has been going so well. In October, we housed two ladies from our country that were in need. Since they have left, one is always calling, cares about him like he was her own son. It seems like she forgot I even exist.She sent him emails, but no reference to me. As long as I remember, I had to give my voice on their stay in our apartment. Apparently, her whole family knows about my boyfriend, but not me. She asked him to buy beauty products, i did the shopping because he does not know anything about that. She congratulated him. In january, she introduced her daughter to my boyfriend over the phone. She wrote a book and they have been discussing about everything. The girl is overseas and has a boyfriend. She basically talks to him like they have known each other for a while. He knows her whole life story. Once, he had lost his phone and waited for a replacement. When that happened, she sent him an email, telling him that she misses their long conversation;there was nothing about loving or else. It’s true the guy is older than me. And the girl’s age is closer to his. He sometimes criticizes her and said? He will call her or she calls, and they will speak about anything for over an hour and half. Whenever he talks to her, i just feel uncomfortable, and I leave the apartment. They talk and talk and talk. I feel so left out. I don’t know how to confront him about that. I even asked him the other day, if I was being too jealous. He is like”no, it’s natural…” Today, again, they spoke on the phone. I know, because i saw the number, but he didnt tell me about that. Usually he does. When he talks to her, he goes to the balcony and lowers his voice. I mean, what kind of behavior is that? But he says, there are just friends…

Am I being paranoid?? Should I confront him about that again? I am not the type that like to separate people, but i do not approve of that relationship. That’s all.

What should I do? Help me. Thank you.

A. I do not think you are being paranoid. Nor do I think his behavior is “natural.” There is nothing natural about talking for hours, almost every day, with another female who is not his significant other. They have apparently developed a close, emotional relationship, one that does not involve you. You would probably feel much better if you were involved in the relationship but you aren’t and that is a problem.

His behavior has actually gotten worse. He used to tell you when she called and when they talked. He no longer tells you. He keeps it a secret and he hides when he is on the phone with her. Now you’re concerned and rightly so. His behavior is deceptive and unacceptable.

Yes, you should talk to him again. He should be willing to convert the relationship he has with her into one that is acceptable to you. If he is not willing to do this then your relationship with him is likely over. Ways he could convert the relationship to be more acceptable to you may include there being no secrecy when she calls, he talks to her on the phone while in the same room with you, or the two of you have her over together, etc. If he can’t abide by the rules that the two of you set, then your relationship with him is already over. If he chooses not to abide by the rules or does not believe that you should be bothered by their relationship, then you may have to face the fact that your relationship is over.

The relationship between you and he should be the most important. If he doesn’t choose your relationship over that of his new friend then you must realize the full impact of his choice. You can’t allow him to demean you by his trying to make you think that you are wrong or jealous. He is being deceitful and secretive. He needs to see the errors of his ways. Perhaps he has found someone that he loves more than you, perhaps he is simply cheating but by any measure–he is wrong to behave as he has been.

Good luck.

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 May 2009

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2009). Jealousy Issues. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/05/25/jealousy-issues/

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