He has second family

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 24 years old and have been with my 26 year old boyfriend for over 2 years. After 10 months of dating I found I was pregnant. It was really great until I found out that his ex-girlfriend of 7 years was also pregnant with his child, and further along than I was. I was so heartbroken not only to learn that he had cheated with her but that she was pregnant also.

I decided to forgive him because he promised to remain committed to me and our family. After having our son in April, we had brief split up of about 4 weeks and then reconciled. I then learned that I was pregnant again and was going to have two babies 10 months apart. I was so happy to be expecting again and this time I felt like I didn’t have to share the experience with the dark cloud of his ex also being pregnant. It would just be him and I having our second baby together.

I was devasted to learn again that during our split he had slept with his ex and she pregnant AGAIN!!!! He had four kids in less that a year!!

I don’t understand why I continue to let him back in my life, he tells me that he is in love with me and wants to be with me. His family can’t stand me and is constantly telling him that he should be with his ex, so his leverage with me is that he CHOSE me over not only her, but his family’s wishes. I still deal with the pain everyday, I fear that someday I will explain to my boys that “daddy made another baby again”.

And not only that but I feel like his ex has taken every moment from me, I thought I was having his first born son, nope! Then with second time around I hoped that because he had all boys at that point maybe I could have his first girl, NOPE! She did! Both of my kids were born pre-mature and I think it is directly related to his cheating and other children.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I will never get over this, and I don’t know ANY other woman that would accept this behavior. I cant trust him, I constantly check his phone, ask him what they talk about and I live in fear that he will do it again. And even more painful, I fear that he still loves her, that this is more than a slip up with his ex, I think that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I don’t want to be a single mom, but I don’t know how to make it work. Or if I should even be attempting to work out a relationship with a guy who on one hand tells me that he loves me, but won’t stop sleeping with his ex. What should I do?

A: First – let’s put the focus right now where it belongs. There are 4 children who need to be loved and financially supported. It’s not about a competition with the other woman. In fact, you have more in common with her than with the guy you are both foolish enough to want. Both of you have been disappointed. Neither of you can trust the father of your children. Both of you may be left to raise these children on your own.

You and the other woman are actually related to each other through the kids since they are all siblings. She has taken nothing from you, any more than you have taken something from her. Whoever the guy ends up with, you and she will be co-parenting all 4 children as the kids go back and forth between the homes. I think both of you women would do well to call a truce and to meet together regularly to figure out how you are going to raise the children. You two could become a better team than either of you can expect to get out of the guy. Further, you should both be seeing a lawyer so that you are sure what your rights are regarding financial child support and visitation rights in your state.

It’s unlikely that either of you will manage to make a stable marriage with the kids’ father. Focus on giving the children what they deserve for now. Once the dust has settled, I hope you will find a guy who deserves your love.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 26 Apr 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). He has second family. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/04/26/he-has-second-family/