i think im gonna kill myself
i need help. Sometimes i feel like im just gonna die for no reason and other times ill just see something that make me want to kill myself. if i get higher than a 2 story building i feel like jumping and each time the impulse is stronger than the last time. if i see a big fire i feel like jumping in.
and yet nothing is wrong with my life that i know of. my parents are awesome my friends are caring. But even then sometimes i’ll be by myself and i’ll hear voices that just say stuff to make me scared.
i’m mildy claustraphobic im scared of the dark if i cant see i’ll just start running and trying to get out of it. im afraid to go in water that’s above my shins unless i can see through it. and sometimes when it gets really quiet i start to see people wearing weird mask and holding knives. one time the voices got so bad i had to listen to them and i blacked out when i woke up my leg was cut about 6 inches long. i have been so scared that i’ve tried things like smoking ciggarettes and pot and i’m a little happy to say i quit those methods but the voices only get worse.
i’m afraid drowning in my shower sometimes ill just scream because im afraid that im going to die and its’ going to be holding razor to my wrists not some crazy lunatic (unless you count me) holding a gun in my face. and the only time i’m calm is when i’m listening to music but now my music is sounding worse and worse like the voices. i bet its hard to believe i’m just a 14 year old but everyday i develope a new phobia like today my friend was talking about a spider movie and now i’m scared of spiders. and i know that if i dont get help soon i’m gonna die in the dark and alone. so please help me to the best of your abillities
A: Thank you so much for writing. It took courage to put all those things down on paper where you could see them. It took courage to ask for help. Now you need to take the next step and follow through with getting the help you need. You don’t have to end your life to end the suffering.
I want you to know that you are not alone and you are not just weird. There are many people in the world who suffer from the kinds of fears and impulses that you find so scary. Fortunately, with counseling and maybe some medication, most people do get better. Illness of the mind is just like illness of the body. Staying by yourself and just thinking about the situation won’t make it better. It only makes you more and more anxious. Talking with the right kind of doctor will give you new information so that you can understand what is going on. Together, you will then decide on the best way to manage it.
In the meantime, there are a couple of places you can call whenever you feel scared or worried that you might hurt yourself. Counselors are available 24/7 at both the Boys Town National Hotline (1-800-448-3000) and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255). The counselors can also help you find a doctor or therapist in your city.
Please don’t leave your parents out of this. You may think you are protecting them by keeping this information from them but parents don’t want to be “protected” that way. We want to be there for our kids and feel awful if we find out later that our kids were in pain and we weren’t able to give them needed support. If you have trouble talking about it, just show them your letter and this response.
You took an important first step by writing to me. Now take the next one. Talk to your folks and get an appointment with a mental health professional so you can get back to the business of being a normal teenager.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). i think im gonna kill myself. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 25, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/04/21/i-think-im-gonna-kill-myself/