Engaged but fighting

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My fiance is always accusing me of cheating in our relationship. The fact is I have never cheated and will never cheat on her I love her to death. Yes, I do talk to other women that I’ve known before I met her. Most of the time I talk to these other women is about school homework because they happen to be in my class. I do not go out and look to meet any new friends of the opposite gender. She says most of her close friends are guys because she doesn’t get along with woman all that well. We have sat and talked about her guy friends many times.

The thing I am concerned about is that she always accuses me of cheating but most of her friends are guys and that maybe she accuses me because she feels guilty. What happened to me recently has really got me questioning her and I don’t know what to do. A guy asked her to go to Las Vegas with him and a few of his buddies for my fiance’s birthday. He told her that he would pay for the trip completely. What raised red flags to me is that she has never told me about this friend. Secondly i asked for details and it looked like she was making things up. Also she didn’t even ask me, her fiance, if I’d like to come along, which is really frustrating because if I’m important to her I feel like she would want me to be there for her 21st birthday in Las Vegas. She then dropped the subject. Later that evening she started accusing me of not trusting her. I told her it’s not that i don’t trust her its just that I’ve never met this guy or his friends, she’s also never mentioned him to me, which I find strange if they are close friends and she has told me about other close guy friends. She doesn’t have any pictures of him like she does with other friends she has grown up with.

We have had these tickets to go to a concert next Friday for a month now. Tonight she was suppose to hang out with one of her girl friends but decided not to because she wasn’t feeling well. She then rescheduled the date for next friday. When I pointed out that we were suppose to go to this concert together, she told me I should find someone else to go with me and that she would meet up with me later that night afterwards. I got a little upset and told her I was feeling a little ditched. She then got angered with me telling me that I was controlling because I wouldn’t let her go to Las Vegas with that so called friend of hers and wouldn’t let her go out with her friend next friday.

I am not controlling I told her that she could go out with her friend and that I was bummed because I looked forward to going to this concert with her. Right now I am just feeling hurt and kind of feel like I come last in her world.

I mean we are engaged and yet she is willing to go on a vacation with a man I don’t even know and his friends and she just reschedules to hang out with a friend over one of our dates. I don’t know what to do? She gets upset if I try to talk to her about it and says that I try to control her by making her feel bad. I feel that maybe she is cheating on me because she always falsely accuses me of cheating, which would make her cheating feel justified if she was. I am not cheating and I don’t know how to go about this. I love her with my whole heart and would never do anything to hurt her, we are engaged to be married and I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with hers. Am I being controlling or taking this way out of proportion? I just am sick of fighting and I feel like I’m losing her.

A: Please, please slow down on the wedding plans. It looks to me like your fiance isn’t ready to marry but doesn’t have the heart to tell you or maybe isn’t even admitting it to herself. You two are only in your early 20s. You have plenty of time to make the decision about who to spend your life with. From all you’ve told me, I think the wise thing to do is to separate for awhile, take a little space, date other people, and maybe do some traveling with other friends. If the two of you are right for each other, you’ll come back to each other with more maturity and certainty than you now have.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Apr 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Engaged but fighting. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/04/15/engaged-but-fighting/