Do I hire a PI or do I dump her?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

“Do I need to dump my girl”? I’m 49 and my girlfriend is 45. My girlfriend of 4 years still texts some old male friend on holidays and father’s day. One time while helping her setting up her phone, I found she had his number on speed dial along with her girlfriends. Mine was nowhere to be found. Her excuse was that the phone automatically did it. When I asked her about this guy, all she said was that “he’s an old friend”. This past New Years I saw that she once again text him and he responded with “Call me, Happy New Year baby, I miss u”. I’m not sure of what to think because we’ve been talking about marriage and buying a house? I searched and found out that this guy is married. I set up an account on one of the “myspace” type web pages using his name. I send her an email invitation posing as this fellow and she accepted. She went and opened an account and posted pictures. Now they’re internet buddies. This from a woman who would not allow her best friend to post a holiday pix on the same web page because she said it wasn’t right, moral,or ethical. We have a great sex life. We don’t fight, argue. I can’t understand what’s going on? Is it a personality disorder, or does she have it so good at home that she thinks she can afford something on the side? Ok Doc, what’s going on here? Do I need to hire a private eye or do I dump her?

A: Neither. Come on. You two are grownups. Stop playing games and start talking. That does not mean accusing, blaming, or reading each other’s minds (or emails). It does not mean making ultimatums or threats. You may not be fighting but you’re not talking about the things that need to be talked about either. That needs to change if your relationship is to have a chance.

Making a relationship that works takes work. It means talking from the heart about what you need in the relationship and what does and does not bother you and why. It means staying in the conversation until you can reach a genuine agreement about how you will each handle friendships from the past (and present).

I hope you will gather up your courage, make a nice dinner, and settle in for a long evening of being honest and vulnerable to the person you love. Plan to give at least as much as you expect. Do this well, and you two will become much, much closer. Avoid doing it and you will set yourself up for heartache.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Mar 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Do I hire a PI or do I dump her?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/03/21/do-i-hire-a-pi-or-do-i-dump-her/