He wants more kids but she doesn’t

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

we have been married almost 12 years, we have a 11 year old and my son from my first marriage age 15 lives with us. i would like one more child but she has said absolutly no way, if she becomes pregnant i have to raise it alone. we did have a falling out about 8 years ago where i cheated on her, but told her about it. at the time we were having sex once every couple weeks sometimes longer. she states she is happy with one, and everytime i bring it up we argue.i have no plans to leave,no reason, i love my family very much. really makes me upset and depressed really dont have anyone to talk to and i dont know what to do. she did say it had to do with my drinking, back then going out once a week and drinking over a six pack a night, but i changed because of her comments now i dont really ever go out and maybe have a 12 pack a week. really i am at a emotional end

A: You and your wife are making a common mistake as you try to talk about something that is hard for you both. You are each taking a position and digging in your heels.

It would be much more helpful if you were each to talk from the heart about what it is that you need and why you want or don’t want another child so very much. If you talk about your desires, needs, and fears instead of making ultimatums, you are likely to learn much more about each other. You may then be able to find a way to solve the dilemma that doesn’t feel like someone has won and someone has lost.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Mar 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). He wants more kids but she doesn’t. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/03/11/he-wants-more-kids-but-she-doesnt/