I have been married almost 8 years. My wife and I have 3 children. We were both virgins when we got married and come from a strong Christian background. Sex was painful for my wife right from the start. It got a little better when we learned about astro glide. I thought after she had kids it would loosen her up down there and make it more enjoyable for her. It didn’t work. I have tried vibrators, but she doesn’t like them. I have suggested different positions, but the missionary is all she will do. If I last longer then two minutes inside of her, I have to pull out because she says it is rubbing her raw.
I have suggested counseling and doctors, but she won’t go. If we had sex once a week I was lucky. It is more like once a month most of the time. She will have an orgasm if I stimulate her with my hand, however, she has never had a vaginal orgasm. I have always had to initiate sex. The last time we had sex was about two months ago. I guess she had finally had enough because she told me that sex only benefits men and that she only does it to make me happy. Sex to her is like cooking dinner or changing a diaper, something that has to be done.
Ever since then I have been really depressed and my thoughts have been rather irrational. I still help out with the kids like always, still cook and unload the dishwasher. I still kiss her good bye every day but this has become harder to do. I really feel totally unwanted and useless, like I was a sperm donor for the kids and that is it.
Divorce is out of the question, I could never be without my kids. I am 35 and I still get erections frequently. Now I just wish they would go away. I have searched for pills to stop erections but none exist to my knowledge. I have even thought about having my penis surgically removed just so I won’t have to be bothered with thinking about sex again. My wife doesn’t know about this and I honestly don’t think she would care except that she wants one more kid.
Again, I have suggested therapy, but she thinks all women are like her and it is normal for women not to like sex. I am beginning to think maybe she is right. I don’t think you have any answers for me and I don’t know why I am writing this other than it makes me feel a little less depressed.
A: No, it’s not normal for a woman in a loving relationship to dislike sex so much. It’s also not normal for it to hurt her. Please stop taking this as a personal rejection and consider a different perspective. Sex hurts her. Further, she was apparently raised to think she wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. Put the two together and of course she can’t be comfortable with sex.
The two of you need to stop arguing about sex and start working together to be a better team. Sex can’t be your way or her way. It can’t be about winning and losing. Instead, it needs to be something that is satisfying to you both. You need to be more empathetic with her physical pain. She needs to be more empathetic to your sexual needs. Once you stop being so disappointed in her and are more in sympathy, I hope your wife will be more willing to work with you to find a way for you as a couple to have the intimacy you both need.
The place to start is with a gynecologist who specializes in vaginismus. Go to this link for more information about the disorder: vaginismus symptoms
While your wife gets appropriate treatment, you need to be patient. It may be that you won’t be able to have intercourse right away. But there is far more to sex than that. The two of you need to remember your courtship days when you pleasured each other with snuggling and touching and kissing and exploring each other’s bodies. Take it slow. Enjoy the intimacy. Get comfortable with each other again. With treatment and patience and time, you two can become closer and stronger as a couple. You may well have another 40 or so years together. You deserve to work this out in a way that makes you both happy over that very long run.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Feb 2009
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Wife says all women dislike sex. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 7, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/02/22/wife-says-all-women-dislike-sex/