Q. I was deceived by a married man for 2 years. I met a guy 2 and a half years ago he was married when I met him but separated his wife had gone back to Germany where she was from and he and I really fell for each other we dated for 2 years and then I decided that we should take a break because he had done 2 tours in Iraq and I felt he needed to deal with some of the stuff he went through over there before we could move forward I told him that I loved him very much and that I would wait for him. We kept in touch, and always talked about getting back together. One day I was searching on the internet and I found his wife’s Myspace page from the looks of it she wasn’t in Germany and never had been it talked about living here with her wonderful husband and that they were planning on having another baby this year. I did more digging and found a mound of evidence that she was here the whole time and not only that I believe there were other woman he was with as well. I’m so devastated how could I be so stupid for over two years? I was and am despite everything still so in love with him we are no longer talking but how do you make love just go away it may have been a lie to him but it was real to me. I almost don’t want to be alive anymore I just can’t get over the lies and deceit. Honesty is so important to me and he knew that. How do I move past this and stop obsessing? He told me everyday how in love with me he was and how we would get married he talked about buying a house together. I believed everything he said how will I ever know the difference between truth and lies again?
A. When you say that you want to stop obsessing I am not sure what you mean. Are you obsessing over the fact that you had been lied to in such a bold and outright manner? Are you obsessing about how you could have believed his lies or how he got away with lying for two years? I am not precisely sure what you mean by “obsessed.”
It’s never easy to end a relationship with someone you love. Yes he is married but I’m sure that doesn’t change how much it hurts. I am sorry you’re having so much difficulty with this loss.
Don’t blame yourself for his lies. Throughout your letter you refer to yourself as stupid. You are not stupid. In addition, you did eventually come to find the truth. Give yourself credit for being brave enough to seek the truth and accept it.
It’s never a good idea to date a married man or woman. It’s very common for the married person to say they are going to leave their spouse but they don’t. Often they have no intention of leaving their spouse. Unfortunately you are directly experiencing the hazards of dating a married man.
If you do enter a relationship with a married individual you need to have the right expectations. You are learning the hard way not to expect a married individual to leave their spouse. Expect that the relationship with a married individual will usually be short-lived and non-serious. The only “safe” time to consider dating an individual who is still legally married is when they are nearing the end of a divorce. That might be the only time when you can be sure they are truly ending their marriage.
I know it’s not going to be easy to overcome the loss that you feel. But at least you know the truth. Realize that finding the truth saved you from continuing a relationship with a man who was willing to cheat and lie. I hope that you realize that no one is worth harming yourself for. I would encourage you to try to move on. You can overcome the loss you feel and it will get easier with time. If you have difficulty and still feel like harming yourself I’d strongly consider seeing a therapist. I wish you luck.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 17 Feb 2009
Randle, K. (2009). Deceived By a Married Man. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/02/17/deceived-by-a-married-man/