Will this man ever grow up?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been dating this guy for about six years now. The first two years were great(keep in mind that he is a flirt, he justifies that by saying he’s a little on the heavy side so he flirts to see if he stills has it). He enlisted himself in the US Army, got sent to basic training and in the process I was giving birth to a baby boy. While away in training we discussed how we were going to move our relationship in another direction. We needed to get a place of our own because I had moved in with him and his mother.

When he graduated from the training and returned home, instead of us getting an apartment he decided to get a new car, new jewerly, and new clothes. I felt that he did not have his prioties in order. I left and moved in with my mother then later found my own place.

At this point our relationship is being challenged. I feel now that he has a little bit money he doesn’t know how to act. I distance myself from him. I feel like I’m raising this child on my own, going to work and trying to keep a roof over our heads while he’s out with girls, friends having a good time.

I don’t know what was going on with his mother’s situation but they got evicted out of their apartment. The mother moved into a room leaving her son to find his own place. I took him in until he found himself a place. The mother couldn’t get along with her roommates and the son did’t want to stay where he was. My boyfriend wanted us to move in together but I wasn’t sure that was the right thing to do. I didn’t want him to move in because I new he couldn’t afford to do his share. Somehow he convinced me that all three of us should move in together. By three I mean him, me and his mother. I know its wasn’t the smartest thing to do but he was the only child and his mother wanted him around in case something happened to her.

We all moved in and in less than four months things becomes ugly. We are fighting over petty things. Its gets to the point where the mothers changed the locks on us and by law that is unjust. The cops get involved we
(me my boyfriend and the baby) are now sleeping in hotels because the mother doesn’t want us in the house anymore. She went to the extreme by inflicting pain to herself then calling the cops explaining to them that her son had done that to her. Now he is being arrested for a crime that he didn’t commit.

All of this is taking a toll on me and I don’t know what to do. What I am asking for is help on how to move on past the pain. There is alot that I havn’t mention because I knew it would be too much to read. I used to keep a journal but I don’t anymore because my boyfriend found it and read it.

I go through my boyfriends phone and emails because I dont trust him. I know that he is talking to other girls because of what I read on the e-mails and on the text message. I have even found pitures of naked girls on his phone. When I comfront him about it he says its just talk. When it comes with the pictures he says that he doesn’t ask them to send it, but he also doesn’t ask them to stop sending them either. I feel like I’m being played in this relationship. I stop telling him how I feel about things and our sex life has gone downhill tremdously.

A part of me knows that he loves me and wants to be with me but I dont want to nor do I want to feel like I have to be a detective in this relationship. Right now as of today, I do see a change in him as far as his responsibilities are concern. Keep in mind that he didn’t have a father figure in his life growing up. With that in mind, when does a person takes accountability for their actions and stop making excuses.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read what I had to say. If possible I would like to continue to discuss with you in greater details what is going on with me inside and with my relationship. I have invested alot of time, money and patience in this relationship and I want to know if it is worth saving. I don’t want my son growing up thinking want he is seeing is normal.

A: Please read your last sentence to yourself over and over and over again. It’s the smartest thing you said. You’ve been living a Jerry Springer life. It’s full of drama. It may even have moments of love in it. But it isn’t a stable and loving environment for a little boy to grow up in. As you present it, you’re the only one in this situation who has enough responsibility and maturity to make a better life for your son and for you. You made a good start at it once. It’s well past time to do it again.

Stop making excuses for the bf and get on with your life. Get a place of your own and get on your feet. Your mom helped you once. Maybe she will again. Get a job. Find good care for your boy while you work and make an adult life for yourself. If your bf wakes up and starts doing the same thing, then maybe you can consider dating him to see where it would lead. But please don’t base your decision on promises. Wait for him to actually do the things he needs to do to be a worthy husband and father.

You have done your best to help your bf and his mother. In return, they abused your kindness. Focus on yourself and your son where your efforts will pay off. It’s not possible for me to be your coach in this. But there are good therapists in your area who can. Give yourself the gift of having a professional in your corner who can both give you some practical advice and some emotional support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Feb 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Will this man ever grow up?. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/02/06/will-this-man-ever-grow-up/