Why can’t we let go?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and 3 months and it has been pretty crazy, i have been through an abortion not long after we started dating. He hung out with an old best friend of mine when i was in florida which i only found out because i was next to a friend of mine when the girl told her about it in a text. we overcame all of that and everything was going ok i guess. we argued way to much and we always broke up but got back together although sometimes i feel i get back with him because i don’t want to be alone?

on new years i cheated on him but he still wanted to be with me? i said ok thinking i could handle it but a week later i broke it off. i just couldn’t do it. we talked that night and he said he will leave my life but i just couldn’t let him go. so we decided to try things out. But we ended up arguing again and he said he was going to kill himself?

lately i have been pushing him away i dont want to kiss him hug him touch him or talk to him i cant even send a text saying i love him? why do you think im like this? please help.

A: It is normal to go through a number of relationships during your teens. Teens and young twenties are figuring out what they do and don’t want in a partner. 15 is generally way too young to decide on forever. Your letter indicates good reasons for ending the relationship. A part of you knows that it’s time to let go. But you two aren’t like everybody else. You two have shared a loss.

I’m worried that you are mistaking your emotions about the abortion for emotions about each other. My guess is that you two can’t let go of each other because that emotional event hasn’t been resolved.

Different people react differently to abortion. Please don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel. Find someone who is empathetic and who can listen without judgment. If there is no one close to you who can do that, please find a counselor who can. Your counselor may want to see both you and your boyfriend to help you sort out your feelings, come to some closure about the pregnancy, and end your relationship without the arguing and drama. With some good guidance and support, you two can move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jan 2009

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2009). Why can’t we let go?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/01/19/why-cant-we-let-go/