Hi, I’m wondering if you could help me with some thoughts about this. I have depression and anxiety, as well as obsessive compulsions. A couple of years ago, I wanted to attempt suicide, but didn’t want my family to find out what I had done, so I ran away from home, because I thought I could steal a jolly and row to Madeira or the Azores and be able to overdose on something when I got there. I came back however, since I felt so guilty about it. The last couple of years, I’ve had to write down my thoughts when I think of something interesting, because I would never remember it, and I’m also having difficulty in wording myself.
I can think about what to say before I say it, but when I speak or write something, it doesnt come out the right way, and I can end my speaching or writing because I suddenly realise that I’m just repeating myself, or my arguments have locical faults.
I used to be able to read articles or books, but now I always have to double check things or not read it at all, because I don’t get it or can’t remember what it said. I’m constantly talking to myself in english, which is not even my native language, and I don’t even live in an english speaking country.
I’ve had some minor delusions, one not too long ago where I wanted to move away, but didn’t have any money, so I thought I could live out in the forest in 15 minus degrees, while convincing my family that I live in a collective.
I used to think I was ment to be someone important, and my teacher knew about it, and was giving me hidden messages. I’m also a little bit paranoid. I’ve taped my webcam. I also think people are lying to me when they talk about themselves, and laugh at me behind my back with their friends, because I’m so stupid to believe them.
I saw a program about demons once, and now I keep telling myself if I don’t do this or that, a demon will come and posess me or someone in my family or someone I know about and hurt them, or make them do things, and I know it’s sounds weird, but I’m having problems actually writing that down, because somewhere in my head, something demonic will read it and understand that I’m afraid of them and do what I’m afraid of just to taunt me.
Here the other day, we (my classmates and I, not the demons) were mocking around in my class and playing hide and seek. While I was trying to find someone, I couldn’t really understand that someone couldn’t be hiding in a rather small, locked closet, although I had been in the room all the time.
So you see now, I have a reason to be worried. I know you can’t diagnose over the net, but maybe you can say something or give me a hint, just so that I’m prepared when I find someone in real life to talk to. Thank you anway.
A. It’s very difficult to give you an answer about what diagnosis you have. That’s because I would need to ask you many more questions about your experiences to give you an accurate diagnosis.
Based on your letter it does seem that you have been experiencing paranoia and delusional thinking. Believing that you were meant to be someone important is a delusion of grandeur. Thinking that your teacher was sending you secret messages is another example of a delusion. An example of paranoia is when you thought that people were lying to you when they were speaking about themselves. Also concerning is the fact that you ran away to live in the woods and your seemingly very real fear of demon possession.
All of the aforementioned symptoms suggest that you may be experiencing psychotic thinking. Whether or not the psychotic thinking is part of a disorder is not something I can tell based on a short letter.
I hope that you consider meeting with a mental health professional regarding your symptoms. If you do meet with a mental health professional be sure that you inform them about your paranoid thinking and delusions. Report exactly what you told me in this letter. The sooner you seek help the better. If you are truly experiencing psychotic symptoms early treatment can possibly prevent your symptoms from developing into a full-blown psychotic disorder.
I am sorry I could not give you a more specific answer regarding what your diagnosis may be. I hope at the very least my response compels you to meet with a mental health professional. As I mentioned in the prior paragraph, early treatment of psychosis might prevent the development of a serious mental health disorder. Because of this I must again stress the importance of making an appointment with a mental health professional as soon as possible. Thanks for your question.
Randle, K. (2009). Psychotic Thinking?. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 4, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2009/01/19/psychotic-thinking/