Q; I have been seeing a woman for the last couple of months. We have become intimate for the last few weeks. We have had sex a few times but attempted many more than we have succeeded. I seem to not be able to get an erection most of the time. Well… actually I will have one while we are making out, but when we start getting farther along it goes away. Just about the only times we have been successful we have had alcohol involved. She is amazingly gorgeous and I am incredibly attracted to her. I dont understand the issue. The instant that intercouse is on the table…. my erection is gone. PLEASE help me figure this out.
A: It sounds to me like maybe you are so impressed with this woman and want so much to please her that you get anxious. Anxiety and erections don’t mix. It’s not unusual for a guy who lost an erection once to get so anxious at the next opportunity that it happens again which makes him more anxious and so on and so on. We know you can have sex if you would only relax.
So — take a deep breath and back up a little. I suggest that you work on pleasuring each other with body rubs and caresses. Explore each other and find out what makes each of you feel good. Maybe even put a moratorium on intercourse for awhile. Focus on intimacy instead of sex and the sex will probably naturally follow.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Nov 2008
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). Help I Keep Losing My Erection. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/11/13/help-i-keep-losing-my-erection/