Q: im going to try and explain it all to the best of my ability…so here goes. i’m 18 and i started dating my boyfriend (now my ex) about two years ago. it was incredible! totalfamily and friends wisdom i stepped down from the relationship about a month ago…but i never truly let go. i would still contact him telling him i miss and love him. and he would respond by saying the same things back. and then one day his family was fed up with me…because i told him i broke up with him but i continued to communicate with him and keep holding on.
i know i can be compulsive and obsessive. im worried that i am hindering him and myself and that scares me. we finally broke off communication. and im hurting, hurting so friggin bad. i gave him so much of me. i know that my love is nowhere near the love God has for us, but with everything i know of love…i love him. my family says that being with him is setting myself up for a disaster and that i deserve a guy who is sturdy. but i dont want another guy! if i have to wait for my ex i will. he told me that he will never give up on me. but am i being foolish? there is so much more to him underneath the lies…ly new for both of us. ive always had a want and that is that if a boy wants to date me that he would take my dad out and ask his permission and then take my older brother out and do the same. well, my boyfriend was more then willing to do that for me. so from the start i was really attracted to him because of his willingness to respect and honor me.
so this is when times get rough. about a year ago he told me that he was abused sexually when he was about nine by a family friend. he had never told anyone about this until he told me. he kept this a secret for over 6 years. i encouraged him to talk to his parents and get some counseling so he can heal from this abuse he endured. he expressed to me that he did not want to see a councelor but he was willing to talk to his parents. as far as im concerned he has communicated with his parents about it…but see, i would think that they would take action to the matter . well my boyfriend refuses to see anyone. and that concerns me so much because if he doesnt let himself heal from his past..it is going to effect his future negatively.
because he kept a secret like this for so long he has become a mastermind in hiding things that he is ashamed of or lying to cover up hurts. about 3 months ago i found out he was lying to his parents and me about going to college. he told us he was in fact attending classes when in reality he was not…he hid this from us for about 5 or so months. then there were some small lies here and there that he told.
A: It’s very, very hard to break up with someone when you see the potential for so much. There must be something about him that is very sweet for you to hang on in spite of it all. But this young man has some major growing up to do before he is in any shape to be in a relationship. Relationships are built on trust and he simply isn’t trustworthy. The problem with dating someone who lies so easily is you never really know when he is telling the truth. It could be he lied about abuse to get your sympathy. It could be that he lied to you about telling his parents. He could be that he is even lying to you about not giving up on you.
I’m with your parents on this one. Get on with your own life. If this relationship is meant to be, your ex will straighten himself out and will come back around in a few years. At that point, you will also have had time to know yourself better and to get to know some other men. You’ll be in a much better position to judge whether this fellow has it in him to actually live up to all that potential.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Aug 2008
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). I’m in love with a liar. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 8, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/08/25/im-in-love-with-a-liar/