A question of honesty

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: I have been dating this guy I met at work for about 4 months now. We met over a year ago, but only 4 months ago decided to meet up after work, and we have been together ever since. When we first started dating, he was really open with me. He expressed his fears, insecurites, desires and asked that I be open as well. I told him how my ex-fiance and i broke up b/c i found him chatting with girls online in what i consider an inappropriate manner, sexual talk and videos. He offered his disgust with this too. I have trouble trusting men b/c of this incident. So, today, I was just looking at the history on his computer, and it seems he’s been chatting online with girls as well! I don’t know what to do. I’m so upset I’m shaking. I feel nauseous. I just don’t understand why a. he feels that this is ok to do and b. why he says it is awful and still does it. We have great chemistry and I see him nearly every day, where we have a great sex life. Do I give him the boot or should I confront him nicely to see if he’d just admit that he does it and tell me why. HELP!

A: Well — You didn’t tell me the content of his current “chatting.” If all you have is girls’ names, I suppose there’s always the chance that he has been chatting with his sisters. But if he’s been on porn sites, you’ve already lost so much trust that it will be hard for you to recover no matter what he says. You’re looking for a guy who is honest with you and whose sexual interest is limited to you. Why would you want to continue with someone who already has shown you he isn’t capable of either?

On another note: you’ve let your prior experience turn you into a snoop. Far better to talk about your concerns with a new guy and ask what the two of you can do to reassure you. Mutual sharing of computer histories will do more for mutual trust than sleuthing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Aug 2008

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2008). A question of honesty. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2008/08/18/a-question-of-honesty/

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